Wifey and I got married in June of last year, so it's been one year and roughly three months since the big day. We kind of expected the "normal" thing that seems to happen to all of our Catholic friends: get married and then get pregnant within three months.
It didn't happen.
After about three months we started trying a little more scientifically (using NFP).
No pregnancy.
Problems started evidencing themselves with Wifey's hormones, so we started seeing a doctor, and had some blood work done. Things weren't looking quite normal, but they didn't look too bad. So we kept at it, getting more and more discouraged as the months went by. We knew the next step was to get me tested and to have more blood work done on her, but I definitely procrastinated. It's hard to admit that things might not be what they're supposed to be with your body.
The Friday before last we had me tested and she got some more blood work done. Last Monday we got the results back.
Things do not look good.
Wifey's hormones are doing very strange things. I have some problems with my sperm. We don't know exactly what is wrong yet with either of us. I have an appointment with a urologist tomorrow, and Wifey has started taking a couple of medications to hopefully regulate things better.
The thing is, it would be one thing if just one of us had fertility issues. With both of us, it seems (at least at the moment) like our chances of conceiving are very slim.
It's been a rough week to say the least. Poor Wifey has been getting sick from the medication, and both of us have been very emotionally exhausted.
It's hard to come to grips with the fact that our life might just not go the way we hoped and planned it would. For both of us, the idea of marriage carries with it the idea of raising a family together. I was all ready to have kids, get a good job, buy a house, and raise our children. Now it looks like that might not be what happens.
I know the good Catholic thing to do is to "be open to the plan God has for your life", but I always though that raising a family was the plan He had. He equipped me to be a good father. He gave me the desire for fatherhood. He brought me and the love of my life together. Why this? What did we do wrong?
I know it isn't something we did wrong. I know it with my head, but it doesn't feel that way with my heart.
I am trying to come to a better understanding of suffering, and to unite my suffering to the suffering of Christ on the cross. I haven't really suffered a lot in my life, so this is a bit of a new experience for me. I'm usually the one helping out others who are suffering.
I posted a facebook message on Monday asking for prayers. Several people have approached me since then (of course) asking me how I'm doing and if I need any help from them. I certainly appreciate people asking what they can do, but please just pray. You can ask me how I'm doing, but if I say "fine" then please just let it be. There are only a few people I would really want to talk with about this, and if you're one of them then I will talk to you about it. If I do need to just release something cathartically I may blog about it. Please don't do the "but how are you doing - really?" thing. I appreciate that you care about me, but this is not something I want to be reminded of all the time.
One last thing, I know just about everyone will immediately think of adoption as an option. It may very well be an option, but there is also a chance that it won't be (for various reasons I don't want to get into here). We are certainly open to adoption if that winds up working and being our best option, but that is definitely not certain.
Thanks for reading, and please pray for us.
I think it is hard for many people to be confronted by the rawness of others' suffering and accept that they really can't *help*, that they can only pray and open their hearts to suffer alongside those they care for.
ReplyDeleteYou guys have been in my prayers. God bless you in your suffering.
I know this pain well. We had the same plans marriage, pregnancy, family life. After the loss of an early pregnancy we failed to achieve pregnancy again for years. I know the pain of feeling like a failure week after week, month after month and year after year. It is raw. I felt the thing you state. What did I do wrong? What did we do wrong? Weren't we good Catholics who loved and followed the Lord, why the punishment? I felt that I cried more tears than I thought possible. I got more and more hopeless by the year.
ReplyDeleteWe did the testing, we tried the techniques, we saw an infertility specialist for a few years.
We were living in England at the time, and everyone around us was achieving a pregnancy but us...happy for them- heartbreaking for us. My parents were going to come for a visit and asked specifically to make sure we got a visit into Lourdes into the trip to the continent. Not only was my father looking for a miracle...so were we.
As expected Lourdes was amazing and we were filled with the anticipation of the possibilities. We prayed, we bathed, we said the rosary at night with thousands of people from all over the planet. We went back to England...Nine months later we delivered our first son, Christopher Michael. Who would have thought such sorrow could turn to joy. Between him and Nicolas we lost another one and then had 3 more. Five awesome blessings for so many years of pain and sorrow.
Looking back, I have the perspective of seeing that God was at work the whole time in our lives. Drawing us closer than we had ever been before, praying-really praying like we never had before. I have known and seen suffering lived out my whole life- you know my father- not sure you know the story. Thirty years old, five kids, and waking up one morning paralyzed. He has never walked a day in his life after than fateful morning. My father lives with unbelievable pain- everyday, all day. I have grown up watching that man cling to the rosary as the tears rolled down his cheeks and the pain seared through his broken body. My mother has had to step up, love harder, surrender deeper than she imagined or thought possible. This was not what they dreamed of when they said "I do" in February of 1958.
From these two, I have learned the value of redemptive suffering. Sure, we all have heard it said, "offer it up" but when we are accosted with the reality of that, it isn't just a cheeky saying anymore, it is reality smacking you in the face at every moment and demanding your constant yes. Over my of I have learned to bring my greatest challenges and suffering to the foot of the One who knows more than any other the cost of the cross. I can tell you, I spend a lot of time at those feet, bathing them with my tears but finding more and more strength to go forward, breath by breath, step by step. I do not walk alone but with my Mother and her Son at my side.
Know that you both are in our prayers and I place you both in the warm confines of the Immaculate Heart. She will know what best to do :-)
Barb
Kyle, it was so brave of you to share this and for both you and A to share it publicly on FB. Please know that we are praying for you both each day.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say I'm sorry =( My husband and I are in the IF trenches too and it is NOT a fun place to be. I will pray for you.
ReplyDelete(My blog is eccefiat11@blogspot.com.)
+PRAYERS+
ReplyDeleteOne thing that a priest shared with my husband and I was to look for ways that we can use our gifts as parents or future parents actively and now. I am a youth minister, my husband drives for a local bus company between vans and school busses. We have the pain that we haven't had a child yet, but we refuse to let the gifts we've been given go stagnant. As someone who is there now, "fine" is a perfectly acceptable answer. I am grieving the loss of not having a child and two in heaven. I'm sure you and your wife are in grieving too.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you and thank you for your wonderful testimony.