Infertility Awareness Week: A Catholic Perspective

 **Note: This is a beautiful look into infertility written collectively by the members of a Facebook group that Aimee (the wife) is a part of, and organized by our friend Rebecca (who will be posting all week, if you're interested in more!) I know its long, but please, please if you have a few minutes to spare today, spend them reading this. Chances are, you know someone experiencing infertility; it is a complicated cross, and difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it.**

Infertility Awareness Week, 2014: A Catholic Perspective 

One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 20 – 26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey

The Experience of Infertility

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility.  At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our childlessness (primary infertility) or small family (secondary infertility) makes us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully.Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass on the second Sunday in May will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

Please…

·         Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.

·         Do not make assumptions about anything - not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.

·         Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.

·         Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a call and should be discerned by every married couple. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.

·         Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this the tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.

·         Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.

·         Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.

·         Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person - or as Aimee says, if you're wanting to do it in a more immediate fashion, like in person, be prepared to see tears) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or “Like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.

·         Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.

·         Do not ask when we are going to “start a family” (we started one the day we got married).

·         Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.

·         Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds, please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.

·         Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.

Resources:

Infertility Companion for Catholics

Facing Infertility: A Catholic Approach

Reproductive Technology: Guidelines for Catholic Couples (From the USCCB)

Bloggers who contributed to this article (those with an * have children after primary infertility or are experiencing secondary infertility. They are marked as such so that if you aren’t up for possibly seeing baby/child pictures today, you can meet them on a day when you are, but please do take the time to go and visit them.):

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace

DM & AM @ Snapshots

K @ Lucky as Sunshine

L @ Infertile in Minnesota

Lora @ Abounding Love

Mary Beth @ Grace of Adoption                        

Mrs. Fitz @ Romans 12:12

Polkadot @ Making God Laugh

Rebecca @ The Road Home

Stephanie @ Blessed to Be

Stephanie @ Chateau d’IF

*A. @ All in His Perfect Timing

*Alison @ Matching Moonheads 

*E. @ God’s Plan is My Joy

*Jenny @ All Things

*Katie @ Just Think of Lovely Things

*M. @ Joy Beyond the Cross

*Morgan @ Life as We Know It

*Sarah @ Fumbling Toward Grace

There is also a “Secret” Facebook group with over 150 members who contributed to this article as well. For more information or to join the group, email Rebecca at RebeccaWVU02@gmail.com.

I'm back!

Well loyal readers, it's been... wait. Do I have loyal readers? Interesting question. If so, I should start each blog post with "Well loyal readers...". Anyway readers, regardless of your loyalty, it's been about three weeks since my last blog post. Coincidentally, I started studying for the LSAT about three weeks ago. That ended last Saturday when I finally took it, so now I'm trying to get back into the swing of things blogging-wise.

The LSAT was interesting. I actually rather enjoyed studying for it, though I didn't study nearly enough. At the same time, I don't know if studying more would have helped. The LSAT really does test your ability to reason, so it's rather difficult to boost that. I think I did well. It's hard to tell for certain, and I won't know my score until the beginning of January. One thing that was interesting is that they're very strict as to what you can bring into the testing center (no phones, everything in a zip lock, no mechanical pencils, etc.), but they didn't actually have any kind of security checkpoint or anything to check what people were bringing in. They did have a proctor sitting at the back of the room looking at everyone, so I guess they would've caught it had someone been using something like that.

I managed to finish each section in time. The logic games section I actually struggled with when it came to one problem just because I was trying to go fast and missed the fact that there were only seven people involved, not eight. I skipped past it because it was giving me so much trouble, but came back after finishing the other sections and figured it out with five seconds to spare! On all the other sections I had enough time to go back through all of the questions I marked as being a little unsure on, so that was good. They also have a writing sample section which is not part of the graded score. It's mildly entertaining to me that I believe I'll get a very good score and then someone will look at my writing sample with my extremely childish printing. I can type relatively fast but I was just never very good at writing. I think I was just so stubborn that I insisted on making the letters the way I thought was best. For example, I write my "O"s by starting at the bottom.

I felt rather old taking the test. There were probably about one hundred and fifty of us spread throughout maybe ten classrooms, but it seemed like everyone was in their early twenties.. It made me realize that if I do go to law school I'd probably be one of the oldest people in my classes. Interesting. I suppose it would be different if I go part-time, which is more likely if I do wind up going. It would be very difficult to go to school full-time and just live on the wife's salary.


During the past three weeks the wife and I have come to a decision regarding our infertility. We currently will not be trying to improve our fertility medically. Our emotional wellness was suffering from constantly being reminded of our infertility and having our hopes continually dashed. The cost of tests, medication, and diet foods was also getting prohibitively high. In the end it doesn't make sense for us to spend so much time, energy, and money trying for something that has a miniscule chance of occurring. Maybe some day in the future we will try again, or start the adoption process. Right now we're going to spend more time and energy working towards future jobs and such.


Also in the past few weeks we had a very nice Thanksgiving with my family, work has gotten crazy, and we've been looking at houses in Pittsburgh. I intend to resume posting regularly. If you have any topics you'd like to hear my opinion on, by all means let me know! Thanks for reading!

Living the (Unintentionally) Child-free Life - [a guestpost from Aimee]

There have been a lot of posts going around in the Catholic internetosphere: fecundophobia, child-free living, fertility crises as women age and put careers ahead of family. I'm sure that some people, when they see Kyle and I, assume that because we've been married for more than a year and are still childless, we obviously must be contracepting. While it's true that we live a "child-free life", it's unintentional in the worst way possible.

Kyle's written about infertility from his perspective. And if you know me, you've probably heard me talk about it as well. We've been trying to conceive for almost a year and a half now. We've had the onslaught of tests performed, with the results staring glaringly back at us: in our current medical state, we have <1% chance every year of conceiving. It's still possible, but it would essentially be a miracle if we ever were able to conceive and have biological children of our own.

So right now we're trying to work on our health to see if we can improve our chances at all -- maybe giving it another year of intense medical treatment before we reevaluate our odds and decide whether to continue. Fertility treatments are not cheap. And because we're faithful to the Catholic Church's teachings on fertility and conception, we won't go down the road of IVF -- which would probably (because of our particular medical diagnoses) give us higher chances of conception and pregnancy than natural means. So we're spending money on natural (and Church-approved) methods of treatment with a NaPro doctor, we're in the thousands by now and we have yet to reach the point of diagnostic surgery. 

This is not what we expected when we said "I do." There were no indications prior to our wedding day that either of us had infertility issues. We had hoped and planned to have a large family -- we were honestly hoping for at least 5 children... I was dreaming of 10 little ones, to raise up "as little saints". We expected the hardships of raising children on a meager salary, the hardships of learning how to live with someone, the hardships of learning to be married and be parents at the same time. We didn't expect the cross of infertility.

But here we are, a year and a half in -- no more pregnant than the couch I am sitting on. With odds stacked against us. This was not the life we had planned. A child-free life was not what we wanted.

And I hear the sorts of attempts at consolations and trite phrases thrown about with no regard to the logical psychological reactions. "In God's good time/God has a special child planned for you in His own time" -- I hear that a lot. I think it's meant to comfort  me in that people are saying that someday we will have children, according to His will and stuff. But what if it's not His will that we have children? "If you want God to laugh, tell Him your plans" -- Oh dear, I hear this one so so so often. Not necessarily directed at me, but I still hear it all the time. If God is laughing at the pain and suffering I endure and have endured because we are not able to fulfill what we saw as an integral part of our vocation (and truly, what is a righteous and holy good), then I do not want to be friends with this God. I have desired a family for as long as I can remember -- and this only seems some sort of cruel irony if He is laughing at our situation and our plans. "Just relax, stop worrying so much." If I had a dollar for every time I heard this... Infertility is a real medical problem. I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome among other things. Kyle has his own set of male-factor IF issues as well. To be honest, sex has and does become tedious when you have to time things to perfectly and if you want to try again this month, you have this schedule of days to try on. I have clinical depression - I worry A LOT. But relaxing isn't going to solve my PCOS or Kyle's IF issues. "Just enjoy this time (while you get to sleep in/have lots of sex/don't have to worry about children)." I would gladly, in a heartbeat, trade in my sleeping in, scheduled sex, and lack of worrying about children (but instead worrying if my body is working right) for a passel of children. Infertility is not a mere inconvenience, it is a life-changing, plan-wrecking, soul-crushing cross. I have one final thing that pregnant women say sometimes that just needs to stop: "God has found us fit to bless us with a child"/"Children are an heritage of the Lord, offspring a reward from Him" (Psalm 127). God is not a vending machine whom you put prayers and pious life into and get children (or other blessings) back. God is not one to be bargained with, and this is not about what is "fair." If we wanted to, we could subvert God's Church and use IVF and get our own child. If we had a child, people would probably stop giving us funny stares like we're such an evil couple because we're "obviously contracepting"... but IVF is not the answer. Our piety, in the form of being obedient to the teachings of the Church, is not being rewarded with a child. Because that's not how it works. Children are gifts to be cherished and loved -- but they are not rewards for good behavior. 

Anyway, that's not the reason I started writing this post. I started writing this post because I have, after a long period of mourning, begun to find joy and purpose in this life. That doesn't mean I'm not still mourning, but it means that I have, in a way, turned the page with hope. I had so much hopelessness that our marriage would never be fruitful if we could not have children. So much of the Catholic blogosphere is focused on mommy blogs who devote their lives to their children... some to the point of calling out the childless in our modern culture for their enmity with God. Now, I'm sure they would not give me mean words if they knew our situation, but the general angst and meanness towards childless people is not the best way to evangelize, let me tell you. I do understand that the raising of little saints is the primary focus of your life and it should be -- but often these Catholics will denigrate the nature and purpose of work in the world as if it were to only exist for the sake of the children, the home. Perhaps, ultimately, that is so. But if I can never have children, I must know that our marriage is not pointless and fruitless if Kyle and I were to devote ourselves to working in the world and showing the love of God to others through doing whatever we are called to do. 

I have a lot of angst about this -- I might never get to join you, Catholic mommy-bloggers, in your playdates and your book events. I might never get to participate in your mother's groups and mom's Bible studies. And somehow, I'm sure not intentionally, I was made to feel that by not being a mother, I was losing my worth. That  my worth as wife, as a woman, as a person, was somehow cut drastically by my body's stupid inability to conceive.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful spiritual director who knows many things -- among them, especially, compassion and love for his spiritual wards. We've talked of spiritual motherhood, the value and fruitfulness of a faithful marriage, no matter how many children Kyle and I are able to have. And how the anger at God can be a raging prayer to lift up even in the darkness.

We talked about hope, and resignation all at the same time. We live with the expectation that we will never conceive... We live as though we will never have children. Yet we hope and pray for a miracle -- that someday, we will. Somehow, after so many months of feeling so hopeless and hopeful and despairing and wistful, I have come to a stability that is just a sort of meager peace and acceptance. I was living so long with the expectation that we would get pregnant -- it's why I didn't have a full-time job after we married. So I'm turning the page on that. I'm going to live with the practical expectation that we won't have children. And that starts now.

What does that mean? It means an unintentionally child-free life. Not the life we were hoping for, but the one that nature and God have allowed us. It means that I might start looking for full-time work in the pro-life movement --- or even better, I might try to get Life Matters Journal to the point where I can actually make some money doing what I love, but on a regular full-time schedule. It means that instead of looking for big houses in the country, we might be looking for smaller places in cities (so we can be close to people/interesting events/etc). It means that maybe we'll travel. And yes, it means that maybe at some point in the future (when my mental health is stable), we may start the adoption process if we can afford it. But honestly, I'm not holding out for it. I have a peace right now that I haven't had in more than a year, and I just want to take things a step at a time.

If you're the praying kind, please pray for us. You can pray for a miracle if you like -- but more than that, please pray for strength, endurance, perseverance, and faithfulness. We cannot walk this road alone.

Infertility

Wifey and I got married in June of last year, so it's been one year and roughly three months since the big day. We kind of expected the "normal" thing that seems to happen to all of our Catholic friends: get married and then get pregnant within three months.

It didn't happen.

After about three months we started trying a little more scientifically (using NFP).

No pregnancy.

Problems started evidencing themselves with Wifey's hormones, so we started seeing a doctor, and had some blood work done. Things weren't looking quite normal, but they didn't look too bad. So we kept at it, getting more and more discouraged as the months went by. We knew the next step was to get me tested and to have more blood work done on her, but I definitely procrastinated. It's hard to admit that things might not be what they're supposed to be with your body.

The Friday before last we had me tested and she got some more blood work done. Last Monday we got the results back.

Things do not look good.

Wifey's hormones are doing very strange things. I have some problems with my sperm. We don't know exactly what is wrong yet with either of us. I have an appointment with a urologist tomorrow, and Wifey has started taking a couple of medications to hopefully regulate things better.

The thing is, it would be one thing if just one of us had fertility issues. With both of us, it seems (at least at the moment) like our chances of conceiving are very slim.


It's been a rough week to say the least. Poor Wifey has been getting sick from the medication, and both of us have been very emotionally exhausted.

It's hard to come to grips with the fact that our life might just not go the way we hoped and planned it would. For both of us, the idea of marriage carries with it the idea of raising a family together. I was all ready to have kids, get a good job, buy a house, and raise our children. Now it looks like that might not be what happens.

I know the good Catholic thing to do is to "be open to the plan God has for your life", but I always though that raising a family was the plan He had. He equipped me to be a good father. He gave me the desire for fatherhood. He brought me and the love of my life together. Why this? What did we do wrong?

I know it isn't something we did wrong. I know it with my head, but it doesn't feel that way with my heart.

I am trying to come to a better understanding of suffering, and to unite my suffering to the suffering of Christ on the cross. I haven't really suffered a lot in my life, so this is a bit of a new experience for me. I'm usually the one helping out others who are suffering.


I posted a facebook message on Monday asking for prayers. Several people have approached me since then (of course) asking me how I'm doing and if I need any help from them. I certainly appreciate people asking what they can do, but please just pray. You can ask me how I'm doing, but if I say "fine" then please just let it be. There are only a few people I would really want to talk with about this, and if you're one of them then I will talk to you about it. If I do need to just release something cathartically I may blog about it. Please don't do the "but how are you doing - really?" thing. I appreciate that you care about me, but this is not something I want to be reminded of all the time.

One last thing, I know just about everyone will immediately think of adoption as an option. It may very well be an option, but there is also a chance that it won't be (for various reasons I don't want to get into here). We are certainly open to adoption if that winds up working and being our best option, but that is definitely not certain.

Thanks for reading, and please pray for us.