No Fear November part 3

I have a few mini-blogs to roll into one regarding a few things that have come up regarding No Fear November. The first topic is to address one of the typical critical responses I have heard, which is kind of interesting: it's this strange disconnect where people acknowledge that there is a problem on campus and then say we shouldn't be trying to artificially change the culture. Here's the thing: how do you think campus culture develops? Do you think that college students naturally gravitate towards that which is good, that which is virtuous? Do you think the students at Franciscan University, if left to their own devices, will fix a problem in the culture on campus?

If you do, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.

People don't like thinking about the fact that our campus culture did not naturally develop and is not naturally sustained. A lot of people enjoy the sausage but they don't want to know how it's made. There is a now-legendary story of how Father Michael Scanlan came to the University and made some radical changes as its president to create a better campus community focused on life together in Christ. Now, do you think that since households were developed and Father Michael brought the Charismatic movement to campus that the culture has been the same since? I don't think anyone would claim the culture is the same. In fact, culture on campus always has a myriad of forces influencing it, some internal and some external. Residence Life (and Student Life in general) is a major force affecting campus culture. We don't just occasionally affect campus culture, it is our job to influence campus culture on a daily basis. Just because you don't see how that happens doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

The No Fear November initiative is one of the more public ways that ResLife is affecting campus culture. Is it wrong of us to affect campus culture? If we were not affecting campus culture as much as we do, I think Franciscan University would look a lot less like how we know it today. A culture determined and influenced only by college students does not look like Franciscan University. I know the argument people would make against this, that our students are different or better or more virtuous. Our students are wonderful and I love them immensely, but they need a lot of help in living virtuous lives and growing in maturity.


Next, a question from our ask box on tumblr:

Practically speaking, what changes in the dynamic of a relationship if you are going steady? What does the exclusivity mean? Does that mean you continue to go on dates at a similar pace as before (say you've been on 3 dates in a month's time) and you continue to spend time in group settings? Or does it mean more than that? Do you text more, or hold hands across campus, or spend more time in general together? I understand all the pre-going steady principles, but not the going steady practicals.

Excellent question! I prefer the term exclusive to "going steady", I just feel like it is more clear. If you are exclusive with someone then that means that neither of you is going on dates with other people. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, if you are exclusive with someone that would constitute being the other's boyfriend or girlfriend. You should certainly continue going on dates at this point, but the dates could be longer and more involved. Kerry Cronin from Boston College (who we take a lot of our material from) would call this "Stage 2 Dating." In the initial dates we recommend no more than 90 minutes during the day. When you are exclusive with someone you could go on a date for several hours, and evening becomes more appropriate (though I would still caution you to use prudence as to how late you are seeing each other).

Dates could also be things more like a movie or an opera (I love opera dates) that actually require going somewhere not too close to campus and spending more time together. Group settings are fine of course. As regards texting more, I personally am not a fan of texting and do not recommend it for much communication in a relationship. As regards holding hands, I would think that would be appropriate. Kissing may be appropriate depending on the relationship and how each person feels about it. Intense kissing or making-out is NOT appropriate at this stage.

As for spending time together, the temptation at this stage is usually to spend way too much time together. You should not spend time together every day at this point. You should not be involved in every aspect of each other's lives. It is okay to go a day without talking to each other. At this point it is clear that each person is romantically interested in the other person. That's great, but that shouldn't mean that your entire life now revolves around the other person. You need to maintain your own friendships and your own life. A lot of times a relationship at this stage will not end in marriage (though that is always a possibility). If you are totally involved in each other's lives every day in every way, your world will fall apart if you break up. You need to guard your heart better than that. Getting to know each other better and falling for each other is great, but not at the expense of everything else.


And lastly, I was talking to a resident of mine this evening and he mentioned to me that he didn't agree with No Fear November. I asked him what he thought No Fear November was. He told me that he had heard that it meant that women can't say "no" when guys ask them on dates. This was not the first time I'd heard that explanation. I told him that was absolutely false and then explained the truth of No Fear November, at which point he said it made sense.

We started No Fear November with some advertising at the end of October that basically teased the title without telling people exactly what it was (stuff like "life as you know it will change" and such). I think it did work insofar as it got people on campus talking about it. They say all press is good press. The downside is that the prevailing idea people seemed to grasp (before hearing what it actually was) was this terrible and false notion that women can't say "no" to a guy who asks them on a date. That idea would give women no agency, no ability to choose what is right for them. People who heard that idea were naturally and rightfully concerned at its seeming support of "rape culture." I would just like to take this opportunity to assure people that we do not in any way support that idea. No Fear November was developed by a team that includes a feminist (who's not just self-proclaimed) and is run and further developed by a team that included six other women. We are most certainly pro-woman and anti-rape.

I'm a little sad that those two previous paragraphs had to be said, but such is life in a fallen culture.


If you have a question for the No Fear November team feel free to e-mail nofearnovember@gmail.com or submit a question to the "askbox" on our website (nofearnovember.tumblr.com/ask), and we should get a response back to you from there.

No Fear November part 2

If you missed part 1 it is here. If you have yet to visit the website, start here.

So to start off with we received a question I'd like to address through the No Fear November e-mail address (nofearnovember@gmail.com):

Hello NoFearNovember,

I've been asked why women aren't encouraged to ask out men during No Fear November. Can you guys give some rationale to why that is?

Thanks!

First, if anyone else would like to submit a question via e-mail, please feel free.

On to the question, which is a very interesting one. The fact is, campus culture at FUS takes a generally very traditional view of gender roles. One of those traditional views is that men should be proactive and women should be reactive; the man should lead in a relationship, the woman should follow. My own views on the subject are different, but that will have to be an entire blog post in and of itself. When it comes to No Fear November in particular, we are not encouraging women to ask out men. We certainly are not forbidding it or even discouraging it, but No Fear November is not designed in itself to encourage women to ask out men.

One reason we are not encouraging women to ask out men is because to do so would add to the controversy of No Fear November. Our goal is not to create controversy (though there certainly is some), our goal is to create a much-needed shift in the existing dating culture. I would suggest that creating additional controversy may actually muddy the message and turn off some people who would otherwise be interested.

When it comes to my personal views, I see no reason why women cannot ask out men, at least on these initial dates. Of course, if a woman asks and the guy says yes, the woman should pay for the date. Basically, apply the same principles to the date but reverse the stated gender roles. Note that this is just my standpoint, not the official No Fear November standpoint.


I had a conversation with a woman on campus a couple of days ago about No Fear November. She expressed concern that she felt like she was compelled to say "yes" to a man if he asked her on a date. In talking with her further I learned that for personal reasons she had decided that she wanted to take some time off from dating. This is a perfect example of a good reason to say "no" to a man. I did not expand upon it in my first post, but I would consider this to fall under the category of a dating fast (even though she probably wouldn't use that phrase to describe her decision).

Let me re-state again that women are highly encouraged to say "yes" to a man that asks them on a date UNLESS they have a good reason not to (note that: to encourage is not to force). If they do have a good reason not to, then they should absolutely say "no" to the man. It would be imprudent and unfair to the man to say "yes" to him if they have a good reason to say "no." Furthermore, men, if a woman says "no" to going on a date with you, please do not pester her for a date. She has her reasons for saying "no" and you should accept (like a gentleman) that they are good reasons. She does not owe you an explanation as to why she will not go on a date with you. You should respect her "no." To do otherwise is the first step toward stalking.


What's next? What happens if you go on a date and it's great? Well, the man should ask the woman out again. A second or third date could be just as simple as the first date, or it could be something that involves a little more time. Group dates are a possibility, though I would caution you that it's harder to get to know someone when you're spending time in a group.

After multiple dates the man may ask the woman to be exclusive with him. If she agrees this clearly marks the beginning of an actual relationship. She is (of course) under no obligation to agree. Exclusivity of course means not going on dates with other people. At this point it would be appropriate to introduce the other as your girlfriend or boyfriend. You could make it facebook-official if you're into showing everyone and their mother everything that's going on in your life.

Becoming an official couple is an important step that you should put some though into, but people at FUS make it seem much more important than it is. New couples should NOT be spending all of their time together. That's very unhealthy for the relationship and for each of them. There is a healthy progression to the development of a relationship, and the progression does not go from "not dating" to "inseparable". In a different post I'll talk more about new relationships and the healthy development of a relationship. For now, one last point. If a man asks a woman to be exclusive and she says "no", he may decide whether to continue to ask her on dates. Of course, if she then says "no" to going on a date he should not pester her for a date.


I'm very interested to know people's thoughts on No Fear November, feel free to share in the comments below. I will most likely not be responding to comments on these blog posts, but I will be reading all of them. If you have a question for the No Fear November team feel free to e-mail nofearnovember@gmail.com or submit a question to the "askbox" on our website (nofearnovember.tumblr.com/ask), and we should get a response back to you from there.

No Fear November

Here at Franciscan, my colleagues and I are instituting a month-long program called "No Fear November."

The dating culture here at Franciscan isn't good. The way that people start dating is they start hanging out with each other on a regular basis. After they've been hanging out for a few weeks they have a "dtr" (define the relationship talk) in which they decide whether they're a couple. The thing with this is, it leads to a lot of confusion. Oftentimes the people who are "just hanging out" are not on the same page as to whether or not there is commitment in their relationship. Plenty of times it also leads to a couple getting physical without actually having a real commitment. People talk about the "hook-up culture", well we have it here on campus at FUS as well. The only thing is, the majority of our hook-ups are mostly people just making out (though we certainly have a decent amount of actual hook-ups).

Due to all of that, we're trying something new. Or old, depending on how you look at it. During the month of November we are trying to encourage actual dating, and not just dating itself but a more healthy approach to relationships in general.

Here's the deal: during the month of November, men are highly encouraged to ask women on dates. They should ask someone that they are actually interested in getting to know better, not just someone they already know who it's easy to ask. Women are highly encouraged to say "yes" unless they have a good reason not to. Good reasons to say "no" include: they're already in a relationship, they're in a dating fast, they're planning on entering the convent, the guy creeps them out. Bad reasons to say "no" include: fear of what the date might mean, they're too busy (you almost always can do just a half-hour coffee date), they don't want to "lead him on", they're not physically attracted to the man, they'd like to go out with another guy. The no-fear part applies to both the men and women, men often are scared to ask a women on a date and women are often scared to go on a date. That ain't right.

Men may ask multiple women on dates, women may say "yes" if multiple men ask them on dates. The thing is, people think there is all this commitment in going on a date. All you're committing to is going on a date! Just because you go on a date with someone does not mean you're going to wind up in the burial plot next to them. In fact, statistically the chances of you actually winding up with someone you go on a date with are not that great.

The man is expected to pay for the date if payment is required. On her part, the woman does not "owe" the man anything just because he's paying for a date. Many times in our culture a man expects some sort of physical reward for paying for a date with a woman. That's what we call prostitution. On a date with a non-psychotic person, the man is enjoying the woman's company and offering her the enjoyment of his company. The fact that the man pays is traditional and only makes sense if he is the one asking the woman on a date. In a non-traditional setting where the woman asks the man on a date it only makes sense that the woman would pay.

The first date should be of an appropriate length with appropriate activities. 60-90 minutes is recommended. That may seem short to most people, but the idea is that if the guy keeps talking to the girl for more than 90 minutes his chances of saying something stupid or tanking in some other way rise exponentially. If after a 90-minute date you still want to keep talking to the girl, that's great. If the conversation is going so well, you can definitely ask for a second date when your 90 minutes are up and you walk her back to her dorm or wherever. I also highly recommend going during the daytime or early evening. Coffee, lunch, or dinner are the traditional things. If you're going for coffee don't go to Jazzman's, at least walk down to Sandella's. If you're going for dinner don't go too far, otherwise you'll wast all of your 90 minutes in the car (rookie mistake).

A few more things for first dates: physical affection is highly discouraged on the first date. The hug goodbye is a subject of much debate, I personally think it depends on the people (though understand that when I say hug goodbye I don't mean smashing your bodies together in a mass of writhing arms where you just happen to be clothed). Also, let me say something to the ladies. When your female friend is asked on a date do NOT freak out on her. You can be excited, but when you make it seem like  it's the biggest most awesome thing in the world that this totally cute boy asked her out and they're definitely going to get married and spend forever together oh my gosh I can't believe it... you're not doing them any favors. You know what I mean.


Expect several more blog posts over the course of the month on this topic. I definitely will be going into how an actual relationship should develop in this model. Feel free to leave a question or comment!