Infertility Awareness Week: A Catholic Perspective

 **Note: This is a beautiful look into infertility written collectively by the members of a Facebook group that Aimee (the wife) is a part of, and organized by our friend Rebecca (who will be posting all week, if you're interested in more!) I know its long, but please, please if you have a few minutes to spare today, spend them reading this. Chances are, you know someone experiencing infertility; it is a complicated cross, and difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it.**

Infertility Awareness Week, 2014: A Catholic Perspective 

One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 20 – 26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey

The Experience of Infertility

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility.  At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our childlessness (primary infertility) or small family (secondary infertility) makes us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully.Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass on the second Sunday in May will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

Please…

·         Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.

·         Do not make assumptions about anything - not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.

·         Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.

·         Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a call and should be discerned by every married couple. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.

·         Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this the tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.

·         Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.

·         Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.

·         Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person - or as Aimee says, if you're wanting to do it in a more immediate fashion, like in person, be prepared to see tears) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or “Like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.

·         Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.

·         Do not ask when we are going to “start a family” (we started one the day we got married).

·         Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.

·         Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds, please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.

·         Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.

Resources:

Infertility Companion for Catholics

Facing Infertility: A Catholic Approach

Reproductive Technology: Guidelines for Catholic Couples (From the USCCB)

Bloggers who contributed to this article (those with an * have children after primary infertility or are experiencing secondary infertility. They are marked as such so that if you aren’t up for possibly seeing baby/child pictures today, you can meet them on a day when you are, but please do take the time to go and visit them.):

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace

DM & AM @ Snapshots

K @ Lucky as Sunshine

L @ Infertile in Minnesota

Lora @ Abounding Love

Mary Beth @ Grace of Adoption                        

Mrs. Fitz @ Romans 12:12

Polkadot @ Making God Laugh

Rebecca @ The Road Home

Stephanie @ Blessed to Be

Stephanie @ Chateau d’IF

*A. @ All in His Perfect Timing

*Alison @ Matching Moonheads 

*E. @ God’s Plan is My Joy

*Jenny @ All Things

*Katie @ Just Think of Lovely Things

*M. @ Joy Beyond the Cross

*Morgan @ Life as We Know It

*Sarah @ Fumbling Toward Grace

There is also a “Secret” Facebook group with over 150 members who contributed to this article as well. For more information or to join the group, email Rebecca at RebeccaWVU02@gmail.com.

Living the (Unintentionally) Child-free Life - [a guestpost from Aimee]

There have been a lot of posts going around in the Catholic internetosphere: fecundophobia, child-free living, fertility crises as women age and put careers ahead of family. I'm sure that some people, when they see Kyle and I, assume that because we've been married for more than a year and are still childless, we obviously must be contracepting. While it's true that we live a "child-free life", it's unintentional in the worst way possible.

Kyle's written about infertility from his perspective. And if you know me, you've probably heard me talk about it as well. We've been trying to conceive for almost a year and a half now. We've had the onslaught of tests performed, with the results staring glaringly back at us: in our current medical state, we have <1% chance every year of conceiving. It's still possible, but it would essentially be a miracle if we ever were able to conceive and have biological children of our own.

So right now we're trying to work on our health to see if we can improve our chances at all -- maybe giving it another year of intense medical treatment before we reevaluate our odds and decide whether to continue. Fertility treatments are not cheap. And because we're faithful to the Catholic Church's teachings on fertility and conception, we won't go down the road of IVF -- which would probably (because of our particular medical diagnoses) give us higher chances of conception and pregnancy than natural means. So we're spending money on natural (and Church-approved) methods of treatment with a NaPro doctor, we're in the thousands by now and we have yet to reach the point of diagnostic surgery. 

This is not what we expected when we said "I do." There were no indications prior to our wedding day that either of us had infertility issues. We had hoped and planned to have a large family -- we were honestly hoping for at least 5 children... I was dreaming of 10 little ones, to raise up "as little saints". We expected the hardships of raising children on a meager salary, the hardships of learning how to live with someone, the hardships of learning to be married and be parents at the same time. We didn't expect the cross of infertility.

But here we are, a year and a half in -- no more pregnant than the couch I am sitting on. With odds stacked against us. This was not the life we had planned. A child-free life was not what we wanted.

And I hear the sorts of attempts at consolations and trite phrases thrown about with no regard to the logical psychological reactions. "In God's good time/God has a special child planned for you in His own time" -- I hear that a lot. I think it's meant to comfort  me in that people are saying that someday we will have children, according to His will and stuff. But what if it's not His will that we have children? "If you want God to laugh, tell Him your plans" -- Oh dear, I hear this one so so so often. Not necessarily directed at me, but I still hear it all the time. If God is laughing at the pain and suffering I endure and have endured because we are not able to fulfill what we saw as an integral part of our vocation (and truly, what is a righteous and holy good), then I do not want to be friends with this God. I have desired a family for as long as I can remember -- and this only seems some sort of cruel irony if He is laughing at our situation and our plans. "Just relax, stop worrying so much." If I had a dollar for every time I heard this... Infertility is a real medical problem. I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome among other things. Kyle has his own set of male-factor IF issues as well. To be honest, sex has and does become tedious when you have to time things to perfectly and if you want to try again this month, you have this schedule of days to try on. I have clinical depression - I worry A LOT. But relaxing isn't going to solve my PCOS or Kyle's IF issues. "Just enjoy this time (while you get to sleep in/have lots of sex/don't have to worry about children)." I would gladly, in a heartbeat, trade in my sleeping in, scheduled sex, and lack of worrying about children (but instead worrying if my body is working right) for a passel of children. Infertility is not a mere inconvenience, it is a life-changing, plan-wrecking, soul-crushing cross. I have one final thing that pregnant women say sometimes that just needs to stop: "God has found us fit to bless us with a child"/"Children are an heritage of the Lord, offspring a reward from Him" (Psalm 127). God is not a vending machine whom you put prayers and pious life into and get children (or other blessings) back. God is not one to be bargained with, and this is not about what is "fair." If we wanted to, we could subvert God's Church and use IVF and get our own child. If we had a child, people would probably stop giving us funny stares like we're such an evil couple because we're "obviously contracepting"... but IVF is not the answer. Our piety, in the form of being obedient to the teachings of the Church, is not being rewarded with a child. Because that's not how it works. Children are gifts to be cherished and loved -- but they are not rewards for good behavior. 

Anyway, that's not the reason I started writing this post. I started writing this post because I have, after a long period of mourning, begun to find joy and purpose in this life. That doesn't mean I'm not still mourning, but it means that I have, in a way, turned the page with hope. I had so much hopelessness that our marriage would never be fruitful if we could not have children. So much of the Catholic blogosphere is focused on mommy blogs who devote their lives to their children... some to the point of calling out the childless in our modern culture for their enmity with God. Now, I'm sure they would not give me mean words if they knew our situation, but the general angst and meanness towards childless people is not the best way to evangelize, let me tell you. I do understand that the raising of little saints is the primary focus of your life and it should be -- but often these Catholics will denigrate the nature and purpose of work in the world as if it were to only exist for the sake of the children, the home. Perhaps, ultimately, that is so. But if I can never have children, I must know that our marriage is not pointless and fruitless if Kyle and I were to devote ourselves to working in the world and showing the love of God to others through doing whatever we are called to do. 

I have a lot of angst about this -- I might never get to join you, Catholic mommy-bloggers, in your playdates and your book events. I might never get to participate in your mother's groups and mom's Bible studies. And somehow, I'm sure not intentionally, I was made to feel that by not being a mother, I was losing my worth. That  my worth as wife, as a woman, as a person, was somehow cut drastically by my body's stupid inability to conceive.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful spiritual director who knows many things -- among them, especially, compassion and love for his spiritual wards. We've talked of spiritual motherhood, the value and fruitfulness of a faithful marriage, no matter how many children Kyle and I are able to have. And how the anger at God can be a raging prayer to lift up even in the darkness.

We talked about hope, and resignation all at the same time. We live with the expectation that we will never conceive... We live as though we will never have children. Yet we hope and pray for a miracle -- that someday, we will. Somehow, after so many months of feeling so hopeless and hopeful and despairing and wistful, I have come to a stability that is just a sort of meager peace and acceptance. I was living so long with the expectation that we would get pregnant -- it's why I didn't have a full-time job after we married. So I'm turning the page on that. I'm going to live with the practical expectation that we won't have children. And that starts now.

What does that mean? It means an unintentionally child-free life. Not the life we were hoping for, but the one that nature and God have allowed us. It means that I might start looking for full-time work in the pro-life movement --- or even better, I might try to get Life Matters Journal to the point where I can actually make some money doing what I love, but on a regular full-time schedule. It means that instead of looking for big houses in the country, we might be looking for smaller places in cities (so we can be close to people/interesting events/etc). It means that maybe we'll travel. And yes, it means that maybe at some point in the future (when my mental health is stable), we may start the adoption process if we can afford it. But honestly, I'm not holding out for it. I have a peace right now that I haven't had in more than a year, and I just want to take things a step at a time.

If you're the praying kind, please pray for us. You can pray for a miracle if you like -- but more than that, please pray for strength, endurance, perseverance, and faithfulness. We cannot walk this road alone.

The soulmate myth

There is a notion in our society that there exists a soulmate for each one of us, one special person who is amazingly compatible with us. We wander throughout life searching and searching, and eventually if we're lucky we find our soulmate and we fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

This idea damages people, relationships, and marriages.

You do NOT have one person out there who you are searching for and who is searching for you. There is no Prince Charming, there is no Perfect Woman for you. This is not a cause for despair, this is a cause for rejoicing!

People spend their lives searching for "the one". They obsess over finding this one person, to the point where they evaluate all of the potential "soulmates" that they meet. In these evaluations one of two things happen: either they dismiss someone who has something "wrong" with them or they emotionally invest in someone they just met.

In the case where someone is dismissed due to there being something "wrong" with them, the person evaluating often overlooks someone who may be very compatible with them. People who subscribe to the soulmate myth generally have a laundry list of qualities that their soulmate will have, including physical attributes, personality attributes, emotional health attributes, spiritual attributes, and mental health attributes. When a person has qualities that don't correspond with the list, they are written off as a potential spouse. This means that the only people who are considered to be potential spouses are those who fit some sort of ideal, often those who we are more comfortable or familiar with.

The truth of the matter is, nobody measures up to the ideals that are on these preconceived lists. People who are only interested in finding the ideal spouse will never find them, because they don't exist. We are fallen beings. There will always be something not ideal with every person we encounter, even the person we wind up marrying. Additionally, oftentimes our knowledge of ourselves is very limited. You may not know what sort of person you need to continue your development as a person. By deciding ahead of time who it is you are looking for you are limiting your ability to grow (this is not to say that you shouldn't have some idea of what you are looking for, but taking it to an extreme is detrimental).

When a person does find someone who fits their vision of an "ideal" soulmate, they tend to emotionally invest immediately. This leads to all sorts of emotional difficulties and heartbreak when the relationship does not work out. We live in a culture where people are yearning for love, yearning for real connection. When we meet someone who fits our notion of the ideal, we tend to give our hearts over to that person while bypassing the natural process of getting to know someone. Then, when the relationship almost inevitably comes crashing down we suffer the consequences in the form of emotional damage and heartbreak.

I mentioned above that the soulmate myth also damages marriages. The reason this happens is that we fool ourselves into thinking that our spouse is our soulmate, that they are the perfect person for us. How could our perfect soulmate ever cause us pain, ever disappoint us? Again, there are no perfect people. Your spouse will not be perfect either! They will disappoint you, they will wind up hurting you in some way. That is okay. Part of marriage is the forgiveness process. For marriage to last you have to understand that the two of you will both grow over the course of the marriage.


Now for the good news: you do not have a soulmate! Therefore, you do not have only one person that it is possible for you to have a happy marriage with. There are a number of people that you could wind up with. You don't have to find one specific person out of the millions available. What you do have to do is find someone that you are compatible with and then learn to grow with that person. The dating process should be a time in which you come to know (in part) who another person is and whether your relationship should continue on to marriage. There is a great freedom in understanding that the person you marry will not be perfect.

In the end, this notion of a soulmate leads to a lot of heartache. It is a flawed understanding of human relationships. This sort of flaw in your understanding will lead to broken relationships and possibly broken marriages. Rejoice in the fact that you can find someone who will cause you to grow. It will probably wind up being someone who you never would have considered as fulfilling your list of a perfect soulmate, but they will wind up being an amazingly wonderful match for you.

Marriage and misogynism

Today I was at a "men's session" for RA training (I supervise RAs). We hiked down a river (actually IN the river of course), had a talk, played some frisbee, had a fire, and conversed. While sitting around the fire talking, a friend of mine who recently got engaged asked me if I had any advice for him. I gave him one piece of advice for engagement (maybe I'll share that another time) and one piece for marriage.

For marriage, I told him to enter marriage without specific expectations as to what his marriage would be like. It's good to plan ahead and to talk about what you desire your marriage to be like, but you should get married with an understanding that your beliefs and desires might not work out the way you expect them to. Everyone always tells you that marriage is hard and that it requires a lot of compromise. What they should really tell you is that it is nearly impossible to understand the sacrifices of marriage until you are in marriage. There certainly is an amazing beauty to these sacrifices, to laying down your life for your spouse in both great and small ways, but it does not come easy.

An example I shared with my friend is that at this point in my marriage, both my wife and I expected to have a child or at least be pregnant by now (one year and two months). Neither one of us expected the fertility issues we've encountered and the effect it has had on our life together. I'm only recently coming to the understanding that there is a beauty to this suffering as well, that it can be united to the suffering of Jesus on the cross to draw nearer to him.


After returning home my wife and I had a discussion regarding how some people view marriage. Some of my male friends seem to desire a wife who will basically fill some needs in their life. They see that they would like someone to bear them children, to cook them food, to tend their house, to warm their bed. They look at marriage as a good and noble institution but only seem to think of the worldly benefits they can receive. This is not the Catholic view of marriage.

The Church tells us that marriage is a gift of the self, a dying to oneself for another. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church" St. Paul says in Ephesians. And how did Christ love the Church? He died for her. We are called to do the same in marriage.

Furthermore, from a secular standpoint, why would you look to marriage to just fill your needs? Marriage is one of the largest decisions in your life. In other large decisions (such as where to live, what career to undertake, what religion to be a part of, what major to study in college) don't you look for personal growth? How ridiculous would it be to move to a new country and not expect to grow from your new experiences? Would you expect the country and its culture to conform to your needs? Of course not! You would expect through your experiences in that culture to be changed, to come to new understandings and to grow as a person. Likewise, marriage is an incredible opportunity for personal growth. If you are not looking to grow through marriage, don't get married! If you do and you remain unwilling to grow, your marriage will not last long.

In the end, several of the Catholic men I know look at marriage through a very misogynistic lens. They see the benefits they would receive, they might see the benefits the woman would receive, but they don't see the dying to self and the growth that occurs as a result.

Don't want to grow? Don't want to suffer? Don't want to die?

Then don't get married.

Want to grow? Want to suffer for the sake of another? Want to die to yourself in order to live for others?

Then work towards marriage if you are called to do so. It is beautiful and amazing.