No Fear November part 3

I have a few mini-blogs to roll into one regarding a few things that have come up regarding No Fear November. The first topic is to address one of the typical critical responses I have heard, which is kind of interesting: it's this strange disconnect where people acknowledge that there is a problem on campus and then say we shouldn't be trying to artificially change the culture. Here's the thing: how do you think campus culture develops? Do you think that college students naturally gravitate towards that which is good, that which is virtuous? Do you think the students at Franciscan University, if left to their own devices, will fix a problem in the culture on campus?

If you do, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.

People don't like thinking about the fact that our campus culture did not naturally develop and is not naturally sustained. A lot of people enjoy the sausage but they don't want to know how it's made. There is a now-legendary story of how Father Michael Scanlan came to the University and made some radical changes as its president to create a better campus community focused on life together in Christ. Now, do you think that since households were developed and Father Michael brought the Charismatic movement to campus that the culture has been the same since? I don't think anyone would claim the culture is the same. In fact, culture on campus always has a myriad of forces influencing it, some internal and some external. Residence Life (and Student Life in general) is a major force affecting campus culture. We don't just occasionally affect campus culture, it is our job to influence campus culture on a daily basis. Just because you don't see how that happens doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

The No Fear November initiative is one of the more public ways that ResLife is affecting campus culture. Is it wrong of us to affect campus culture? If we were not affecting campus culture as much as we do, I think Franciscan University would look a lot less like how we know it today. A culture determined and influenced only by college students does not look like Franciscan University. I know the argument people would make against this, that our students are different or better or more virtuous. Our students are wonderful and I love them immensely, but they need a lot of help in living virtuous lives and growing in maturity.


Next, a question from our ask box on tumblr:

Practically speaking, what changes in the dynamic of a relationship if you are going steady? What does the exclusivity mean? Does that mean you continue to go on dates at a similar pace as before (say you've been on 3 dates in a month's time) and you continue to spend time in group settings? Or does it mean more than that? Do you text more, or hold hands across campus, or spend more time in general together? I understand all the pre-going steady principles, but not the going steady practicals.

Excellent question! I prefer the term exclusive to "going steady", I just feel like it is more clear. If you are exclusive with someone then that means that neither of you is going on dates with other people. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, if you are exclusive with someone that would constitute being the other's boyfriend or girlfriend. You should certainly continue going on dates at this point, but the dates could be longer and more involved. Kerry Cronin from Boston College (who we take a lot of our material from) would call this "Stage 2 Dating." In the initial dates we recommend no more than 90 minutes during the day. When you are exclusive with someone you could go on a date for several hours, and evening becomes more appropriate (though I would still caution you to use prudence as to how late you are seeing each other).

Dates could also be things more like a movie or an opera (I love opera dates) that actually require going somewhere not too close to campus and spending more time together. Group settings are fine of course. As regards texting more, I personally am not a fan of texting and do not recommend it for much communication in a relationship. As regards holding hands, I would think that would be appropriate. Kissing may be appropriate depending on the relationship and how each person feels about it. Intense kissing or making-out is NOT appropriate at this stage.

As for spending time together, the temptation at this stage is usually to spend way too much time together. You should not spend time together every day at this point. You should not be involved in every aspect of each other's lives. It is okay to go a day without talking to each other. At this point it is clear that each person is romantically interested in the other person. That's great, but that shouldn't mean that your entire life now revolves around the other person. You need to maintain your own friendships and your own life. A lot of times a relationship at this stage will not end in marriage (though that is always a possibility). If you are totally involved in each other's lives every day in every way, your world will fall apart if you break up. You need to guard your heart better than that. Getting to know each other better and falling for each other is great, but not at the expense of everything else.


And lastly, I was talking to a resident of mine this evening and he mentioned to me that he didn't agree with No Fear November. I asked him what he thought No Fear November was. He told me that he had heard that it meant that women can't say "no" when guys ask them on dates. This was not the first time I'd heard that explanation. I told him that was absolutely false and then explained the truth of No Fear November, at which point he said it made sense.

We started No Fear November with some advertising at the end of October that basically teased the title without telling people exactly what it was (stuff like "life as you know it will change" and such). I think it did work insofar as it got people on campus talking about it. They say all press is good press. The downside is that the prevailing idea people seemed to grasp (before hearing what it actually was) was this terrible and false notion that women can't say "no" to a guy who asks them on a date. That idea would give women no agency, no ability to choose what is right for them. People who heard that idea were naturally and rightfully concerned at its seeming support of "rape culture." I would just like to take this opportunity to assure people that we do not in any way support that idea. No Fear November was developed by a team that includes a feminist (who's not just self-proclaimed) and is run and further developed by a team that included six other women. We are most certainly pro-woman and anti-rape.

I'm a little sad that those two previous paragraphs had to be said, but such is life in a fallen culture.


If you have a question for the No Fear November team feel free to e-mail nofearnovember@gmail.com or submit a question to the "askbox" on our website (nofearnovember.tumblr.com/ask), and we should get a response back to you from there.