No Fear November part 2

If you missed part 1 it is here. If you have yet to visit the website, start here.

So to start off with we received a question I'd like to address through the No Fear November e-mail address (nofearnovember@gmail.com):

Hello NoFearNovember,

I've been asked why women aren't encouraged to ask out men during No Fear November. Can you guys give some rationale to why that is?

Thanks!

First, if anyone else would like to submit a question via e-mail, please feel free.

On to the question, which is a very interesting one. The fact is, campus culture at FUS takes a generally very traditional view of gender roles. One of those traditional views is that men should be proactive and women should be reactive; the man should lead in a relationship, the woman should follow. My own views on the subject are different, but that will have to be an entire blog post in and of itself. When it comes to No Fear November in particular, we are not encouraging women to ask out men. We certainly are not forbidding it or even discouraging it, but No Fear November is not designed in itself to encourage women to ask out men.

One reason we are not encouraging women to ask out men is because to do so would add to the controversy of No Fear November. Our goal is not to create controversy (though there certainly is some), our goal is to create a much-needed shift in the existing dating culture. I would suggest that creating additional controversy may actually muddy the message and turn off some people who would otherwise be interested.

When it comes to my personal views, I see no reason why women cannot ask out men, at least on these initial dates. Of course, if a woman asks and the guy says yes, the woman should pay for the date. Basically, apply the same principles to the date but reverse the stated gender roles. Note that this is just my standpoint, not the official No Fear November standpoint.


I had a conversation with a woman on campus a couple of days ago about No Fear November. She expressed concern that she felt like she was compelled to say "yes" to a man if he asked her on a date. In talking with her further I learned that for personal reasons she had decided that she wanted to take some time off from dating. This is a perfect example of a good reason to say "no" to a man. I did not expand upon it in my first post, but I would consider this to fall under the category of a dating fast (even though she probably wouldn't use that phrase to describe her decision).

Let me re-state again that women are highly encouraged to say "yes" to a man that asks them on a date UNLESS they have a good reason not to (note that: to encourage is not to force). If they do have a good reason not to, then they should absolutely say "no" to the man. It would be imprudent and unfair to the man to say "yes" to him if they have a good reason to say "no." Furthermore, men, if a woman says "no" to going on a date with you, please do not pester her for a date. She has her reasons for saying "no" and you should accept (like a gentleman) that they are good reasons. She does not owe you an explanation as to why she will not go on a date with you. You should respect her "no." To do otherwise is the first step toward stalking.


What's next? What happens if you go on a date and it's great? Well, the man should ask the woman out again. A second or third date could be just as simple as the first date, or it could be something that involves a little more time. Group dates are a possibility, though I would caution you that it's harder to get to know someone when you're spending time in a group.

After multiple dates the man may ask the woman to be exclusive with him. If she agrees this clearly marks the beginning of an actual relationship. She is (of course) under no obligation to agree. Exclusivity of course means not going on dates with other people. At this point it would be appropriate to introduce the other as your girlfriend or boyfriend. You could make it facebook-official if you're into showing everyone and their mother everything that's going on in your life.

Becoming an official couple is an important step that you should put some though into, but people at FUS make it seem much more important than it is. New couples should NOT be spending all of their time together. That's very unhealthy for the relationship and for each of them. There is a healthy progression to the development of a relationship, and the progression does not go from "not dating" to "inseparable". In a different post I'll talk more about new relationships and the healthy development of a relationship. For now, one last point. If a man asks a woman to be exclusive and she says "no", he may decide whether to continue to ask her on dates. Of course, if she then says "no" to going on a date he should not pester her for a date.


I'm very interested to know people's thoughts on No Fear November, feel free to share in the comments below. I will most likely not be responding to comments on these blog posts, but I will be reading all of them. If you have a question for the No Fear November team feel free to e-mail nofearnovember@gmail.com or submit a question to the "askbox" on our website (nofearnovember.tumblr.com/ask), and we should get a response back to you from there.