Thursday, October 31, 2013

No Fear November

Here at Franciscan, my colleagues and I are instituting a month-long program called "No Fear November."

The dating culture here at Franciscan isn't good. The way that people start dating is they start hanging out with each other on a regular basis. After they've been hanging out for a few weeks they have a "dtr" (define the relationship talk) in which they decide whether they're a couple. The thing with this is, it leads to a lot of confusion. Oftentimes the people who are "just hanging out" are not on the same page as to whether or not there is commitment in their relationship. Plenty of times it also leads to a couple getting physical without actually having a real commitment. People talk about the "hook-up culture", well we have it here on campus at FUS as well. The only thing is, the majority of our hook-ups are mostly people just making out (though we certainly have a decent amount of actual hook-ups).

Due to all of that, we're trying something new. Or old, depending on how you look at it. During the month of November we are trying to encourage actual dating, and not just dating itself but a more healthy approach to relationships in general.

Here's the deal: during the month of November, men are highly encouraged to ask women on dates. They should ask someone that they are actually interested in getting to know better, not just someone they already know who it's easy to ask. Women are highly encouraged to say "yes" unless they have a good reason not to. Good reasons to say "no" include: they're already in a relationship, they're in a dating fast, they're planning on entering the convent, the guy creeps them out. Bad reasons to say "no" include: fear of what the date might mean, they're too busy (you almost always can do just a half-hour coffee date), they don't want to "lead him on", they're not physically attracted to the man, they'd like to go out with another guy. The no-fear part applies to both the men and women, men often are scared to ask a women on a date and women are often scared to go on a date. That ain't right.

Men may ask multiple women on dates, women may say "yes" if multiple men ask them on dates. The thing is, people think there is all this commitment in going on a date. All you're committing to is going on a date! Just because you go on a date with someone does not mean you're going to wind up in the burial plot next to them. In fact, statistically the chances of you actually winding up with someone you go on a date with are not that great.

The man is expected to pay for the date if payment is required. On her part, the woman does not "owe" the man anything just because he's paying for a date. Many times in our culture a man expects some sort of physical reward for paying for a date with a woman. That's what we call prostitution. On a date with a non-psychotic person, the man is enjoying the woman's company and offering her the enjoyment of his company. The fact that the man pays is traditional and only makes sense if he is the one asking the woman on a date. In a non-traditional setting where the woman asks the man on a date it only makes sense that the woman would pay.

The first date should be of an appropriate length with appropriate activities. 60-90 minutes is recommended. That may seem short to most people, but the idea is that if the guy keeps talking to the girl for more than 90 minutes his chances of saying something stupid or tanking in some other way rise exponentially. If after a 90-minute date you still want to keep talking to the girl, that's great. If the conversation is going so well, you can definitely ask for a second date when your 90 minutes are up and you walk her back to her dorm or wherever. I also highly recommend going during the daytime or early evening. Coffee, lunch, or dinner are the traditional things. If you're going for coffee don't go to Jazzman's, at least walk down to Sandella's. If you're going for dinner don't go too far, otherwise you'll wast all of your 90 minutes in the car (rookie mistake).

A few more things for first dates: physical affection is highly discouraged on the first date. The hug goodbye is a subject of much debate, I personally think it depends on the people (though understand that when I say hug goodbye I don't mean smashing your bodies together in a mass of writhing arms where you just happen to be clothed). Also, let me say something to the ladies. When your female friend is asked on a date do NOT freak out on her. You can be excited, but when you make it seem like  it's the biggest most awesome thing in the world that this totally cute boy asked her out and they're definitely going to get married and spend forever together oh my gosh I can't believe it... you're not doing them any favors. You know what I mean.


Expect several more blog posts over the course of the month on this topic. I definitely will be going into how an actual relationship should develop in this model. Feel free to leave a question or comment!

27 comments:

  1. Your thoughts on this issue are pretty much perfect.

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  2. I think this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. Your generalizations about both women and men (and the roles that your "No Fear November" is attempting to force them into in the dating arena), your flippant and hurtful comment about prostitution, your conflicting ideas about whether you want people who hang out to commit or not to commit and the utter ordering around of women you've somehow managed to accomplish in this brief blog post are completely disgusting. You're part of the problem if you aren't part of the solution, and the only solution you're attempting to create here is one where men feel entitled to ask any girl out they want (despite what signals she may be giving off) and where women, in your little fantasy, have very few "approved" reasons to escape someone she simply may not want to date. Women aren't just drifting out there waiting for some guy to ask them out. Many women aren't on whatever a "dating fast" is but are simply wary of dates because many men, as you yourself prove with this disturbing idea, are creeps, even if they do not seem "creepy" when talking with them.

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    1. No one is forcing people to do anything. The attitudes on campus make dating seem like a very scary thing and there is a lot of pressure to do and get things done just right. The point of month-long event is to reduce the anxiety of going on dates and to build healthy relationships. This "No Fear November" is something that seems appropriate for FUS students. In no way is it tying to make men feel entitled to the girls they want or have women just become easy targets, but to teach the students that dating doesn't have to be as big a deal as the students are making it out to be.

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    2. I agree with you Kelsea, the whole thing seems way too forced to be successful. Also, it has the feeling of pushing women into dates they don't necessarily want to go on simply because they don't have a "valid" reason to say no and their refusal could irreparably scare a man from the dating field.

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    3. Mark: if you're too anxious to ask someone on a date, you shouldn't be dating yet. The attitude toward dating on campus is not scary at all if you're a grown enough person to make your own decisions without having to draw influence from your surroundings. And Kristin, that is such a good and simple way of putting it!

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    4. What are you talking about the dating on campus is not scary? Then you must not be on campus much. Im a senior and I have a Fiancee from this school as well. Im telling you that I see it and maybe your just not around it but it is literally impossible to hang out with someone with out people thinking that your a thing. And to say that if someone is anxious about asking someone out that they shouldn't date? I know people who are in their 50's who are anxious about that. Its nothing wrong to be anxious there is a good a bad type of anxiety. And I would argue that anxiety on this campus is not the good kind.

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    5. I respectfully disagree (and, as you know, I live on campus, a floor below you). Certain circles on campus, as Kelsea alluded to, do not see dating as an activity to be feared or trivialized into, "Ohh, did you notice how much time those two have spent together (insert giggling fit)." For the rest, if they are too nervous to simply ask for a date, where is the emotional security and maturity that dating would seem to require? It's not that one shouldn't date unless they feel totally secure; one should not date, however, if they feel totally insecure - there is a difference.

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    6. This is the most disturbing thing you've ever read?
      You should broaden your literary horizons.

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  3. There are already places where you can go to do what you propose...they are called bars.

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  4. Oh Kelsea. Where we even reading the same article? Darling your feminist raving is what is "completely disgusting." In the future, please try and read the material set before you and think before you open your mouth.
    Also being a previous FUS student, this sounds fun. Good luck to all during "no fear November."

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  5. Excellent post Kyle! The Franciscan dating culture needs to not be so obsessed with "the perfect situation", something that is so easy to fall into. Without being open to what God has in store for you, you might just miss out on the love of your life! Take that mad leap of faith gentlemen! The worst she can say is no. Ladies the worst that could happen is that you actually found him interesting and what's so wrong about that?

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  6. This message sounds very familiar:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxurOz4lbb8

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  7. Why would feminist rambling be disgusting? Thanks to feminism, you actually have the right to have an opinion, women. Think of that. You also have the right to say "no" to anyone who ever asks you out, for any reason whatsoever. I agree that people need to get over thinking of dating as scary, but that doesn't mean one should date just as an exercise; that really demeans both parties.

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    1. Thank you! Apparently this message is one that some people still haven't gotten yet!

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    2. Tell me exactly where he says that one should date as an exercise? He is encouraging healthy dating, not just asking out everyone they can.

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    3. Healthy dating doesn't have a strict system like this. Healthy dating involves natural human interactions, and it's better for some people to not take this approach.

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    4. No, no, no. Oh course I am glad I can do all those things today because of the women who fought for female rights. I'm talking about the darker side of feminism. I was trying to comment on how Kelsea's attitude on the matter (referring to her simply for the sake of the argument not to pick on her and be hateful) It's that type of attitude were someone goes on instant attack mode, when really there is no need. Again just for the sake of argument, look at the prostitute comment. He was saying that it is wrong for a man to expect physical compensation simply because he had the money to pay for the evening and the female did not. See? How was the flippant and hurtful?

      Secondly, of course you have the right to say no, no questions asked. Although I respectfully disagree with you on dating exercises as demeaning. Dating really is no more different than any other activity, outside of the possible love connect. However it is similar in the way that until you practice an activity you never get really good at it. I think we at times tend to live too much in the "what if" part of our brain and spoil a lot of opportunities for ourselves because we over think the situation and the outcome. I personally think he was just saying "get out of your head, step out of your comfort zone and try something different."
      But whatever. Other than that I have no opinions haha. :)

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  8. This idea is, in a word, stupid. Fear is something to be overcome; most people manage this at a very young age. Coddling the next generation helps no one. Defining legitimate excuses for women, as well as a Franciscan-approved "date" helps no one. Changing the culture is impossible if the people remain the same and attitudes surrounding dating do as well. To truly fix the problem, stop cookie-cuttering what it means to "date," stop trying to define all the facets of dating for a population that should be able to think for itself, and, quite simply, have everyone just grow up.

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    1. You are too. And didn't we have this exact same discussion (and disagreement) whilst we roomed together? I miss you, Bruce!

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  9. It's interesting - everyone who seems to have an issue with the "No Fear November" proposal is assuming that things in the dating world are rolling along just fine at Franciscan. The points you all raise might make sense if there was an already-established healthy idea of dating on campus. Whether or not YOU YOURSELF understand the concept of "dating" is very different than whether or not EVERYONE here understands that. In more blunt terms: let's have men grow a pair and ask her out, and lets have women quit jumping to writing "Mr. & Mrs. So-and-So" all over her notebook after the first time he talks to her. No one is trying to corner anybody into a "traditional" or "feminist" pigeonhole, nor is anyone trying to govern dating to be "Franciscan-approved". Let's chill down and start with the basics of this adult experience of casual dating. Then we can go from there. Good work, Kyle! I hope it takes on!

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  10. It's 100% okay to start by hanging out with someone. Then if you realize hey, maybe we could date, then start dating them. Or if you don't want to date them, then keep hanging out. Or maybe you don't know if you want to date or be friends, so hang out until you do know. I think what they're afraid of is lack of communication, where people are confused as to what their relationship status is. But if that's honestly a HUGE problem(which I doubt), then No Fear November is kind of a stupid response to it. Try #CommmunicationJanuaryFebuaryMarchAprilMayJuneJulyAugustSemtemberOctoberNovemberDecember.
    This just makes it seem like ResLife is desperate to have more couples on campus. Maybe the MRS program has a climbing dropout rate?

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  11. I was so happy to see that someone recognized how awkward the social interactions can be here on campus, but when i read through the "principals" of NFN, along with the other entries on tumblr I couldn't help but feel that this just ends up pushing men and women into overly structured roles that would lead to even more awkwardness. I love the idea of telling students to be courageous, but when you make rules that seem oddly dictatorial I have trouble getting behind this. Girls can always say no, they don't need an excuse first of all, and if you need another angry feminist on here educating you on rape culture I can do that. Yes, I do understand that the point was to get people to start "taking chances", but those kind of rules can't stand as such since not every woman is in a position where she can/should date. (perhaps this is what you meant by "dating fast" but i don't know what that is since it seems like a weird way to put it, must we make everything a religious term?). also why does this all seem like only guys can ask girls? whats wrong with the other way around?

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  12. I wanted to briefly break my comments-silence here to just mention that I have posted two follow-ups to this post. Links are below.

    http://kyletmurphy.blogspot.com/2013/11/no-fear-november-part-2.html

    http://kyletmurphy.blogspot.com/2013/11/no-fear-november-part-3.html

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  13. As a Franciscan alum, I am so grateful for your witness and honesty as an employee of the school. Keep up the good work!

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