No Fear November

Here at Franciscan, my colleagues and I are instituting a month-long program called "No Fear November."

The dating culture here at Franciscan isn't good. The way that people start dating is they start hanging out with each other on a regular basis. After they've been hanging out for a few weeks they have a "dtr" (define the relationship talk) in which they decide whether they're a couple. The thing with this is, it leads to a lot of confusion. Oftentimes the people who are "just hanging out" are not on the same page as to whether or not there is commitment in their relationship. Plenty of times it also leads to a couple getting physical without actually having a real commitment. People talk about the "hook-up culture", well we have it here on campus at FUS as well. The only thing is, the majority of our hook-ups are mostly people just making out (though we certainly have a decent amount of actual hook-ups).

Due to all of that, we're trying something new. Or old, depending on how you look at it. During the month of November we are trying to encourage actual dating, and not just dating itself but a more healthy approach to relationships in general.

Here's the deal: during the month of November, men are highly encouraged to ask women on dates. They should ask someone that they are actually interested in getting to know better, not just someone they already know who it's easy to ask. Women are highly encouraged to say "yes" unless they have a good reason not to. Good reasons to say "no" include: they're already in a relationship, they're in a dating fast, they're planning on entering the convent, the guy creeps them out. Bad reasons to say "no" include: fear of what the date might mean, they're too busy (you almost always can do just a half-hour coffee date), they don't want to "lead him on", they're not physically attracted to the man, they'd like to go out with another guy. The no-fear part applies to both the men and women, men often are scared to ask a women on a date and women are often scared to go on a date. That ain't right.

Men may ask multiple women on dates, women may say "yes" if multiple men ask them on dates. The thing is, people think there is all this commitment in going on a date. All you're committing to is going on a date! Just because you go on a date with someone does not mean you're going to wind up in the burial plot next to them. In fact, statistically the chances of you actually winding up with someone you go on a date with are not that great.

The man is expected to pay for the date if payment is required. On her part, the woman does not "owe" the man anything just because he's paying for a date. Many times in our culture a man expects some sort of physical reward for paying for a date with a woman. That's what we call prostitution. On a date with a non-psychotic person, the man is enjoying the woman's company and offering her the enjoyment of his company. The fact that the man pays is traditional and only makes sense if he is the one asking the woman on a date. In a non-traditional setting where the woman asks the man on a date it only makes sense that the woman would pay.

The first date should be of an appropriate length with appropriate activities. 60-90 minutes is recommended. That may seem short to most people, but the idea is that if the guy keeps talking to the girl for more than 90 minutes his chances of saying something stupid or tanking in some other way rise exponentially. If after a 90-minute date you still want to keep talking to the girl, that's great. If the conversation is going so well, you can definitely ask for a second date when your 90 minutes are up and you walk her back to her dorm or wherever. I also highly recommend going during the daytime or early evening. Coffee, lunch, or dinner are the traditional things. If you're going for coffee don't go to Jazzman's, at least walk down to Sandella's. If you're going for dinner don't go too far, otherwise you'll wast all of your 90 minutes in the car (rookie mistake).

A few more things for first dates: physical affection is highly discouraged on the first date. The hug goodbye is a subject of much debate, I personally think it depends on the people (though understand that when I say hug goodbye I don't mean smashing your bodies together in a mass of writhing arms where you just happen to be clothed). Also, let me say something to the ladies. When your female friend is asked on a date do NOT freak out on her. You can be excited, but when you make it seem like  it's the biggest most awesome thing in the world that this totally cute boy asked her out and they're definitely going to get married and spend forever together oh my gosh I can't believe it... you're not doing them any favors. You know what I mean.


Expect several more blog posts over the course of the month on this topic. I definitely will be going into how an actual relationship should develop in this model. Feel free to leave a question or comment!