Guestpost for No Fear November: Addressing some Concerns, and "How Casual Dating Saved My Emotional Health" by Aimee Murphy

Hi all! I'm Aimee Murphy (Kyle's wife) and a collaborator on the NFN team. I have to address some comments and concerns that have been blowing up my FB notification feed and I wanted to tell a story at the end about "How Casual Dating Saved My Emotional Health". To begin with, the concerns...

1. No Fear November is an awareness campaign -- that means, like with how October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and April is Sexual Violence and Assault Awareness Month we don't suddenly STOP caring about the issue during the rest of the year. The dating culture here at FUS has problems. Loads of 'em -- and this is a fact, not opinion. And the culture needs more help than one month of "I dare you to ask out more women" (which is NOT what NFN is) -- we hope to change the culture for good. I came from a secular private university that had it's own slough of dating problems (some much the same, but a lot more hooking up with drunk sexual interactions and rape), and a Newman Center that had almost all of the same issues as here at FUS. I recognize them because I've been there and done that and bought the T-shirt.
   
   For example, though: how many of you can honestly say that you know someone who has held hands, kissed, made out, (or even had sex) with an FUS peer without first having a serious conversation about commitment, trust, and knowing the other person well? I can count probably a handful that I know of, and I'm sure I know more people who haven't told me. This is a problem with the dating culture here.
   
   And then: how many of you can honestly say that you have gossiped about two people who are hanging out together (whether one-on-one or in a group setting), or over-emphasized (whether behind their backs or to their faces) the simple spending time together of two opposite-sex friends? If we change the way that relationships begin from hookups and "it just happened" to instead make boyfriend/girlfriend relationships based on trust and candor and openness about intentions from the very start, then we'll have (I would posit and attest to with my own experience) less heartbreak and more maturity.
   
   How about another? How many of you can honestly say that you know a couple who spend more than 3 hours/day OR 21  hrs/week together? I know a whole slough. Let me put that in perspective for you -- on an average Monday, I get to see my husband for about 3 hours, spread out over the course of the day. I would posit that the typical Franny couple spends more time together than my husband and I do in an average week. That much time together isn't healthy -- and it's the perfect breeding ground for terrible heartbreak and ruined social lives.
   
   The fact is, there are more problems than this and they make dating here an awful mess.
   
   
   
   
2. This month-long awareness program is based on many different sources on (Christian/Catholic) dating in the modern age, but one of my favorites has been Kerry Cronin, a professor of philosophy at Boston College who has a lot of experience and coursework to back up her ideas of proper dating principles. (http://www.uscatholic.org/life/2012/07/save-date-kerry-cronin-love-lives-college-students)
   
   
3. The term "dating" has historically meant "going on dates" to get to know each other. Example given: my mother, a strong practicing Catholic, was dating a small handful of men before she and my father decided to become exclusive. This practice allows for both men and women to learn more about new people, get to know others in a low-pressure environment (where nobody is responsible for the emotional well-being of the other), and even learn what you like and what you don't in a potential mate without any sort of confusing intimacy or confused intentions. This form of dating is NOT however, just "friends hanging out" -- there is a legitimate and honest intention (which should be made clear) when asking out on a date to get to know someone better for the purpose of maybe in the future pursuing a romantic relationship. This is lightyears different from the typical hangout culture here on campus where friends of the opposite sex hang out together (perhaps one-on-one) and are talked about in the halls, amongst friends, and perhaps one of them is interested in a future romantic relationship and getting to know the other better through hanging out, while the other is just genuinely interested in a platonic friendship. This is NOT healthy. I've been there and done that in my own Catholic circles when I was in undergrad at a secular school. Franciscan isn't the only place with this tired social script. I broke hearts, had my heart broken, and ruined perfectly good friendships all because honesty and intentions were not clear. Somehow, "hooking up" without talking about what the relationship means first (whether that be just holding hands, or kissing/making out, or even going so far as sex) has become the easier route because actually discussing trust and long-term commitment are terrifying to us. I couldn't tell you 100% why (though I'm sure Kerry Cronin would have many spot-on things to say), but it needs to stop!
   
   
4. If no one ended up in a relationship by December (or whenever, because this is just an awareness campaign, not the end of the principles), that's not bad, and the campaign will not have been a failure for it. Many of the students make it sound like ResLife wants to see couples all over the place by December 1 and that is just not true. The whole point is to change the dating culture as a whole for the sake of the emotional health of the student body, not to get couples together or produce happy Franny families. If couples get together due to following these dating principles, then good on them, I hope they act prudently and with continued honesty and candor. If people don't pair off, but have learned something about their emotional boundaries, the time it takes to get to know someone, and the way that dating can be an emotionally healthy experience without loads of commitment from the get-go, then we've accomplished our goal.
   
   
   
   
5. Asking women out on dates is NOT a joke, or a competition, or an opportunity to humiliate someone. Men, this is not an excuse to be disrespectful jerks to women.Women, this is not a competition to see who is the most attractive to the men on campus and can "win" the most dates.
   
   I've already heard of a few instances of men just asking out as many women as possible, or asking out a girl who doesn't even know his name in public as an act of humiliation, or asking out ladies with no intention of actually getting to know her. Don't be a disrespectful jerk to women, ever. But our work in trying to change campus dating culture is not an excuse to use bad manners or treat women as objects or prizes to be won. They, as fellow human beings, deserve better than that.
   
   Likewise, ladies, taking a tally to see who is "winning" No Fear November treats yourself as objects and prizes to be won. It disregards your own dignity and value. You deserve better than that.
   
   
6. Ladies are NOT required to say yes to a date. I don't know how many times this can be said before it's believed. The principles of NFN state that women are encouraged to say yes to dates, unless they have good reason not to say yes. The fact that many hyperanxious????? students are neglecting is of course that there is quite literally ZERO accountability here. The RD's aren't going to mark off on their rosters who has and has not gone on a date and whether they had a good reason to turn down a date if they did and then proceed to fine people. They aren't going to do anything to punish anyone who doesn't participate. NFN is NOT taking away anyone's free will. The whole point of this whole campaign, though, is not to force women to do anything, it is to change the existing culture of dating here at Franciscan FOR GOOD. That involves women and men being more open to dating as a process of getting-to-know-you, instead of this automatically romantically-charged rite.
   
   
7. Women, if they really want, CAN ask men on dates! It's not immoral or a sin for a woman to ask a man on a date any more than it is for a man to ask a woman. The existing paradigm here at FUS is of the TOB "Man-Active, Women-Receptive" strict viewpoint (at least for the most part); I don't think that means that women can't ask men on getting-to-know-you dates, but the principle, regardless, is for both sexes to be more open to simply spending dedicated time getting to know others through casual dates. It would follow, of course, that if a lady asks a gent, that she should pay for the date (as a way to show care and concern for the gent asked) and come up with the activities, etc. Gents would then be highly encouraged to say yes to a date, except if they have good reason to say no. Like the advice given to the ladies: only say yes if you feel safe, PLEASE! Your right to bodily safety is more important than the other party's privilege to a date/getting to know you.
   
   
   
   
8. Whether you're a lady or a gent asking someone on a date, BE CRYSTAL CLEAR about your intentions.  It's happened to me so often (including from my now-husband on our then first date), "You want to get food/dinner/coffee?" Asking a lady to coffee can be ambiguous if you've been just plain platonic friends for a while, and ladies asking gents can be even more ambiguous (just because it doesn't happen very often). Be honest and open: "Would you like to go on a dinner date with me on Wednesday?" or "I'd like to get to know you better, how about a coffee date this Thursday?" Just let the askee know it's a date, so you're clear about intentions and you won't have confusion!
   
   
9. Telling someone you don't want to go on a future date SHOULD NOT BE HEARTBREAKING. If all you're doing is going on dates to get to know each other better (for the sake of maybe deciding whether you'd like to form a romantic relationship after some time), then telling someone that you're not interested in future dates, but you've had a lovely time and you wish them the best should be a fairly simple walk in the park (though perhaps wrought with nerves, because if you haven't done it before that kind of candor might not come naturally). Not to mention, if it is heartbreaking, you've probably invested too much of your heart in that single person and on a few getting-to-know-you dates, which is against everything we're advising.

And now I'm going to tell you a story of how casual dating saved my emotional health and my future relationships (and made my marriage). For privacy's sake, I've changed a few names in the story.

I was 20. I'd had 13 boyfriends since I was 13 years old and I'd made mistakes with all of them. Boyfriend, of course, meaning that we were exclusive. But also, really, meaning that I was inseparable with the guy at school and we spent hours upon hours on the phone having extended conversations about not much of anything when we were at home. There was this ongoing social script at my middle school, high school, university, that if you were in an exclusive relationship you were pretty much pseudo-married. The 3 weeks you'd spent together (all the while holding hands and passing notes and racking up your parents' phone bill) meant forever, and goshdarnit, you were going to stick it through.

So it meant that every single breakup meant immense anguish. Heartbreak that made Juliet seem melodramatic. Because, goshdarnit, we'd said forever. Whether it was Alvin (my first boyfriend, with whom I held hands for the first time at 13 and broke up some 7 months later), or Trevor (with whom I had my first kiss at 14), Nate (with whom I was on-again, off-again for a year and a half and had sex with at 15), or Kevin (whom I dated when I was 17 for 8 months and told him we couldn't kiss anymore because I was trying to regain my sense of propriety and chastity and he just wouldn't listen...), or Rich (whom I loved dearly and only held hands with at the ripe old age of 19)... All of us read from the same social script that said we had to promise each other forever only a few weeks or months in to the relationship, and because we were pretty much set on the future -- why did physical boundaries matter at all? Into college, usually students in the secular world take the physical shtick and leave the emotional commitment behind; but at my Newman Center and even here at Franciscan, it's either pseudo-marriage that promises forever, or people don't want to talk about the commitment at all and get involved physically without reverence for chastity and the dignity of the other person. But I was 20 and I was so done with that. After looking back at what I'd done (look at your LIFE, look at your CHOICES), I didn't want to promise forever after a couple dates. I didn't want to have a hookup that led to an awkward DTR down the road. I had problems trusting men, period, and I was just ready to take things slow and easy and not get commitment-heavy so darn suddenly.

And a friend of mine, Sean, asked me out on a date. He asked me if I "want[ed] to get dinner on Tuesday." Because we were friends and executive board members of the Newman Club, I thought maybe he was just suggesting dinner with some of the NC people. I accepted, but I asked him a day or two later what his intentions were for dinner and he replied happily, "Oh! It's a date." And I smiled and was pleased. I honestly didn't know if I'd ever been asked out on a date with no strings attached or relationship commitment preexisting. And it was amazing - he suggested an Indian food place around the corner from the Newman Center and we walked down together, ate, had a good (albeit awkward, because I'm terribly awkward) conversation about our families, how we ended up at the same university, hobbies and interests, etc. Afterwards, he walked me back to my dorm (which was a good half-mile), and we talked and walked and just enjoyed each other's company: no hand-holding, no arm-in-arm stuff. We went on another date after Christmas break and I was honest with him that I wasn't sure where God was leading me with my vocation (I was pretty seriously praying about and looking into the Sisters of Life), and that though we were free to go on dates, I would prefer not to get into a serious relationship until I knew I was called to marriage. So we did, we did more dinner dates, ice skating, dinner-in-the-dorm apartment (that was cheaper than dinner out!) while studying for a shared course we had together. But all of these events were clearly marked as dates. We were trying to get to know each other better without the emotional commitment of a serious relationship. Without having to bear the burden's of the other's heart. 

After three months of going on dates fairly sporadically, we sat down and talked about intentions to continue the relationship to the next level of dating or to just remain friends and cease the dates. I told him that I felt called to marriage, I desired it. He then announced that he was going to pursue the priesthood as he felt the Lord calling him to it. I jumped for joy and I still, to this day, am so thrilled for him. There were no hurt feelings whatsoever, and we both came out of it with a friend and our hearts still intact. I pray for him often, and I'm honestly glad that I could be a part of his discernment process. But we never led each other on -- we never crossed lines of physical or emotional intimacy. The whole process of casual dating is meant to work this way, to encourage knowledge of the other before commitment and loving. Otherwise, we fall in love with the idea of love, and our hearts break not for losing the other, but for losing the affection and the "in love" feeling and the time spent. When we invest our whole selves in a person without first building a foundation of trust through knowledge, our world can fall apart in an instant with a breakup.

Of course, there's an even happier ending to the casual dating life I gladly encountered in my final years as an undergraduate student. Only a few days after the joyous DTR with Sean, Kyle asked me on our first date. He did commit one of the "casual dating sins" by not being crystal clear about his intentions at first (he asked me if I "want[ed] to go get food"), but by the end of our first date I knew that his purpose in asking was to get to know me better. Because of the newfound knowledge I had of casual dating from my experience with Sean, I approached dating with Kyle in the same fashion: he was not my boyfriend, nor I his girlfriend, until we made that specific commitment to be exclusive. In addition, despite the fact that I was convinced that "we [are] too different, it will never work," and that I did not find him physically attractive at first, I was willing to just learn more about him and have a few good meals filled with (hopefully) good conversation.We went on dates for roughly 2 weeks before he asked me to be his girlfriend, and we moved forward from there. But during the point while we were dating, I was still trying to figure out whether I liked him or not, whether I could trust him, how well our personalities meshed just for a shot at a more serious relationship. And when we moved on to "going steady"/being exclusive, I then worked even more on the questions of trust and "do I want to be in this long-term?" After being his girlfriend for a few months, I still knew that if we broke up, I wouldn't be immensely heartbroken (though I would be sad), and we would likely still be friends. It gave me comfort to know that, and for going through the trouble of that whole process (and being willing to put up with my "no-kissing-til-engagement" rule) I trusted him a lot. I knew that Kyle was interested in getting to know me, in learning about who I was, and in learning what it meant to love me (though love at the beginning of a relationship is VERY different from love at the time of engagement or marriage). And it's been beautiful ever since.

If you have questions for me (Aimee Murphy), please send them to the nofearnovember@gmail.com address, and Kyle will pass them on to me. Grazie!

(If you have questions for the NFN team, send them via our tumblr askbox or the email address above!)