Today I was at a "men's session" for RA training (I supervise RAs). We hiked down a river (actually IN the river of course), had a talk, played some frisbee, had a fire, and conversed. While sitting around the fire talking, a friend of mine who recently got engaged asked me if I had any advice for him. I gave him one piece of advice for engagement (maybe I'll share that another time) and one piece for marriage.
For marriage, I told him to enter marriage without specific expectations as to what his marriage would be like. It's good to plan ahead and to talk about what you desire your marriage to be like, but you should get married with an understanding that your beliefs and desires might not work out the way you expect them to. Everyone always tells you that marriage is hard and that it requires a lot of compromise. What they should really tell you is that it is nearly impossible to understand the sacrifices of marriage until you are in marriage. There certainly is an amazing beauty to these sacrifices, to laying down your life for your spouse in both great and small ways, but it does not come easy.
An example I shared with my friend is that at this point in my marriage, both my wife and I expected to have a child or at least be pregnant by now (one year and two months). Neither one of us expected the fertility issues we've encountered and the effect it has had on our life together. I'm only recently coming to the understanding that there is a beauty to this suffering as well, that it can be united to the suffering of Jesus on the cross to draw nearer to him.
After returning home my wife and I had a discussion regarding how some people view marriage. Some of my male friends seem to desire a wife who will basically fill some needs in their life. They see that they would like someone to bear them children, to cook them food, to tend their house, to warm their bed. They look at marriage as a good and noble institution but only seem to think of the worldly benefits they can receive. This is not the Catholic view of marriage.
The Church tells us that marriage is a gift of the self, a dying to oneself for another. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church" St. Paul says in Ephesians. And how did Christ love the Church? He died for her. We are called to do the same in marriage.
Furthermore, from a secular standpoint, why would you look to marriage to just fill your needs? Marriage is one of the largest decisions in your life. In other large decisions (such as where to live, what career to undertake, what religion to be a part of, what major to study in college) don't you look for personal growth? How ridiculous would it be to move to a new country and not expect to grow from your new experiences? Would you expect the country and its culture to conform to your needs? Of course not! You would expect through your experiences in that culture to be changed, to come to new understandings and to grow as a person. Likewise, marriage is an incredible opportunity for personal growth. If you are not looking to grow through marriage, don't get married! If you do and you remain unwilling to grow, your marriage will not last long.
In the end, several of the Catholic men I know look at marriage through a very misogynistic lens. They see the benefits they would receive, they might see the benefits the woman would receive, but they don't see the dying to self and the growth that occurs as a result.
Don't want to grow? Don't want to suffer? Don't want to die?
Then don't get married.
Want to grow? Want to suffer for the sake of another? Want to die to yourself in order to live for others?
Then work towards marriage if you are called to do so. It is beautiful and amazing.
Very insightful! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI think you never notice until you get married how much you need to change about yourself. That can be uncomfortable and prickly but rewarding when you see how life gets better as you weed out the selfishness. Nice post Kyle
ReplyDeleteVery interesting and well put. I like the example of moving to another country and not expecting the culture to conform to you. That makes it very easy to understand and definitely paints a realistic picture!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post and I agree with almost all of it. Here’s where I disagree:
ReplyDelete“Some of my male friends seem to desire a wife who will basically fill some needs in their life. They see that they would like someone to bear them children, to cook them food, to tend their house, to warm their bed.
There’s nothing wrong with desiring a wife to fulfill needs in your life. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect her “to bear you children, to cook you food, to tend your house, to warm your bed”. Expecting her to do things that wives do is OK, and it doesn’t stop you from loving her and suffering for her.
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“They look at marriage as a good and noble institution but only seem to think of the worldly benefits they can receive.”
The key word here is SEEM. Who cares how things seem? What matters is how they actually are. This man, for the record, certainly does not think only of the worldly benefits he can receive from marriage.
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“The Church tells us that marriage is a gift of the self, a dying to oneself for another. ‘Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church’ St. Paul says in Ephesians. And how did Christ love the Church? He died for her. We are called to do the same in marriage.”
I totally agree. In orthodox Catholic circles, this gets mentioned a lot. What doesn’t get mentioned is what is expected of wives. Isn’t that every bit as important? Let’s have a look at the New Testament:
“As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything.”
—Ephesians 5:22-24
“Wives, be subordinate to your husbands, as is proper in the Lord.”
—Colossians 3:18
“I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man.”
—1 Timothy 2:12
“Younger women [should] love their husbands and children... be self-controlled, chaste, good homemakers, under the control of their husbands.”
—Titus 2:4-5
More info is at Dalrock’s blog, particularly http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2013/01/06/untethered/
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“In the end, several of the Catholic men I know look at marriage through a very misogynistic lens. They see the benefits they would receive, they might see the benefits the woman would receive, but they don't see the dying to self and the growth that occurs as a result.”
You haven’t said anything at all to support this hypothesis. There is nothing misogynistic about expecting your wife “to bear you children, to cook you food, to tend your house, to warm your bed”... After all, 1 Timothy 2:15 tells us that “she will be saved through motherhood” and 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 tells us
“The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”
So that’s 2 out of 4 right there in the Bible.
It is high time for men to start acting like men again.