Infertility Awareness Week: A Catholic Perspective

 **Note: This is a beautiful look into infertility written collectively by the members of a Facebook group that Aimee (the wife) is a part of, and organized by our friend Rebecca (who will be posting all week, if you're interested in more!) I know its long, but please, please if you have a few minutes to spare today, spend them reading this. Chances are, you know someone experiencing infertility; it is a complicated cross, and difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it.**

Infertility Awareness Week, 2014: A Catholic Perspective 

One in six couples will experience infertility at some point in their marriage. Infertility is medically defined as the inability to conceive after 12 cycles of “unprotected” intercourse or 6 cycles using “fertility-focused” intercourse. A couple who has never conceived has “primary infertility” and a couple who has conceived in the past but is unable to again has “secondary infertility”. Many couples who experience infertility have also experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss.

This week, April 20 – 26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

We, a group of Catholic women who have experienced infertility, would like to take a moment to share with you what the experience of infertility is like, share ways that you can be of support to a family member or friend, and share resources that are helpful.

If you are experiencing infertility, please know you are not alone. You are loved and prayed for and there are resources to help you with the spiritual, emotional, and medical aspects of this journey

The Experience of Infertility

In the beginning of trying to conceive a child, there is much hope and anticipation; for some, even a small fear of “what if we get pregnant right away?” There is planning of how to tell your husband and when you’d announce to the rest of the family. It is a joyful time that for most couples results in a positive pregnancy test within the first few months. However, for one in six couples, the months go by without a positive test and the fears and doubts begin to creep in. At the 6th month of trying using fertility-focused intercourse (using Natural Family Planning), the couple knows something is wrong and is considered “infertile” by doctors who understand the charting of a woman’s pattern of fertility.  At the 9th month of trying, the month that, had they conceived that first month, a baby would have been arriving, is often the most painful of the early milestones. At the 12th month mark the couple “earns” the label from the mainstream medical community as “infertile”.

As the months go by, the hopes and dreams are replaced with fears, doubts, and the most invasive doctors’ appointments possible. As a Catholic couple faithful to the teachings of the Church, we are presented by secular doctors with options that are not options for us and are told things like “you’ll never have children” and “you have unexplained infertility”; by our Catholic doctors we are told to keep praying and to have hope as they roll up their sleeves and work hard to figure out the cause of our infertility, with each visit asking, “How are you and your husband doing with all of this?”

We find it hard to fit in. We have faith and values that are different than our secular culture, but our childlessness (primary infertility) or small family (secondary infertility) makes us blend in with the norm. We have faith and values that are in line with the teachings of our Church, but our daily life looks so much different than the others who share those values and that makes us stand out in a way that we would rather not. We are Catholic husbands and wives living out our vocation fully.Our openness to life does not come in the form of children; it takes on the form of a quiet “no” or “not yet” or “maybe never” from God each month as we slowly trod along. Our openness to and respect for life courageously resists the temptations presented to us by the secular artificial reproductive technology industry.

Often times our friends and family do not know what to say to us, and so they choose to not say anything. Our infertility stands like a great big elephant in the room that separates us from others. Most of the time, we don’t want to talk about it, especially not in public or in group settings because it is painful and we will often shed tears. We realize it is difficult and ask that you realize this difficulty as well. We will do our best to be patient and to explain our situation to those who genuinely would like to know, but please respect our privacy and the boundaries we establish, as not only is infertility painful, it is also very personal.

One of the hardest experiences of infertility is that it is cyclical. Each month we get our hopes up as we try; we know what our due date would be as soon as we ovulate; we know how we would share the news with our husband and when and how we would tell our parents. We spend two weeks walking a fine line between hope and realism, between dreaming and despairing. When our next cycle begins – with cramps and bleeding and tears – we often only have a day or two before we must begin taking the medications that are meant to help us conceive. There is little to no time to mourn the dream that is once again not achievable; no time to truly allow ourselves to heal from one disappointment before we must begin hoping and trying again. We do not get to pick what days our hormones will plummet or how the medications we are often taking will affect us. We do not get to pick the day that would be “best” for us for our next cycle to start. We are at the mercy of hope, and while that hope keeps us going it is also what leaves us in tears when it is not realized.

Our faith is tested. We ask God “why?”, we yell at Him; we draw closer to God and we push Him away. Mass brings us to tears more often than not and the season of Advent brings us to our knees. The chorus of “Happy Mother’s Day” that surrounds us at Mass on the second Sunday in May will be almost more devastating than the blessing of mothers itself. We know that the Lord is trustworthy and that we can trust in Him; sometimes it is just a bigger task than we can achieve on our own.

Please…

·         Pray for us. Truly, it is the best thing that anyone can do.

·         Do not make assumptions about anything - not the size of a family or whether or not a couple knows what is morally acceptable to the Church. Most couples who experience infertility do so in silence and these assumptions only add to the pain. If you are genuinely interested, and not merely curious, begin a genuine friendship and discover the truth over time.

·         Do not offer advice such as “just relax," “you should adopt," “try this medical option or that medical option” – or really give any advice. Infertility is a symptom of an underlying medical problem; a medical problem that often involves complicated and invasive treatment to cure.

·         Do not assume that we will adopt. Adoption is a call and should be discerned by every married couple. Infertility does not automatically mean that a couple is meant to adopt.

·         Ask how we are doing and be willing to hear and be present for the “real” answer. Often times we answer, “OK” because that’s the easy, “safe” answer. Let us know that you are willing to walk through this the tough time with us. Frequently we just need someone who is willing to listen and give us a hug and let us know we are loved.

·         Offer a Mass for us or give us a prayer card or medal to let us know you are praying for us. Just please refrain from telling us how we must pray this novena or ask for that saint’s intercession. Most likely we’ve prayed it and ask for the intercession daily. Please feel free to pray novenas and ask for intercession on our behalf.

·         Be tolerant and patient. The medications we take can leave us at less than our best; we may not have the energy or ability to do much. Please also respect us when we say "no, thank you" to food or drinks. We may have restricted diets due to our medical conditions and/or medications.

·         Share the good news of your pregnancy privately (preferably in an email or card or letter and not via text, IM chat, phone call or in person - or as Aimee says, if you're wanting to do it in a more immediate fashion, like in person, be prepared to see tears) and as soon as possible. Please understand that we are truly filled with joy for you; any sadness we feel is because we have been reminded of our own pain and we often feel horrible guilt over it as well. Please be patient and kind if we don’t respond immediately, attend your baby shower or “Like” all of your Facebook updates about your children. Again, it is really about us, not you.

·         Help steer group conversations away from pregnancy and parenting topics when we are around. We like to be able to interact in a conversation to which we can contribute meaningfully.

·         Do not ask when we are going to “start a family” (we started one the day we got married).

·         Do not ask which one of us is the “problem” – we are either fertile or infertile as a couple.

·         Do not say things like "I know you'll be parents some day," or "It will happen, I know it will!" Along the same lines, please do not tell us stories of a couple you know who struggled for years and went on to conceive or to "just adopt and then you'll get pregnant" (this one actually only happens a small percentage of the time). Only God knows what our future holds, please pray with us that we are able to graciously accept His will for our lives.

·         Do not pity us. Yes, we have much sorrow. Yes, we struggle. But, we place our faith in God, lean on the grace of our marriage, and trust that someday, whether here on earth or in heaven, we will see and understand God’s plan.

Resources:

Infertility Companion for Catholics

Facing Infertility: A Catholic Approach

Reproductive Technology: Guidelines for Catholic Couples (From the USCCB)

Bloggers who contributed to this article (those with an * have children after primary infertility or are experiencing secondary infertility. They are marked as such so that if you aren’t up for possibly seeing baby/child pictures today, you can meet them on a day when you are, but please do take the time to go and visit them.):

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace

DM & AM @ Snapshots

K @ Lucky as Sunshine

L @ Infertile in Minnesota

Lora @ Abounding Love

Mary Beth @ Grace of Adoption                        

Mrs. Fitz @ Romans 12:12

Polkadot @ Making God Laugh

Rebecca @ The Road Home

Stephanie @ Blessed to Be

Stephanie @ Chateau d’IF

*A. @ All in His Perfect Timing

*Alison @ Matching Moonheads 

*E. @ God’s Plan is My Joy

*Jenny @ All Things

*Katie @ Just Think of Lovely Things

*M. @ Joy Beyond the Cross

*Morgan @ Life as We Know It

*Sarah @ Fumbling Toward Grace

There is also a “Secret” Facebook group with over 150 members who contributed to this article as well. For more information or to join the group, email Rebecca at RebeccaWVU02@gmail.com.

I'm back!

Well loyal readers, it's been... wait. Do I have loyal readers? Interesting question. If so, I should start each blog post with "Well loyal readers...". Anyway readers, regardless of your loyalty, it's been about three weeks since my last blog post. Coincidentally, I started studying for the LSAT about three weeks ago. That ended last Saturday when I finally took it, so now I'm trying to get back into the swing of things blogging-wise.

The LSAT was interesting. I actually rather enjoyed studying for it, though I didn't study nearly enough. At the same time, I don't know if studying more would have helped. The LSAT really does test your ability to reason, so it's rather difficult to boost that. I think I did well. It's hard to tell for certain, and I won't know my score until the beginning of January. One thing that was interesting is that they're very strict as to what you can bring into the testing center (no phones, everything in a zip lock, no mechanical pencils, etc.), but they didn't actually have any kind of security checkpoint or anything to check what people were bringing in. They did have a proctor sitting at the back of the room looking at everyone, so I guess they would've caught it had someone been using something like that.

I managed to finish each section in time. The logic games section I actually struggled with when it came to one problem just because I was trying to go fast and missed the fact that there were only seven people involved, not eight. I skipped past it because it was giving me so much trouble, but came back after finishing the other sections and figured it out with five seconds to spare! On all the other sections I had enough time to go back through all of the questions I marked as being a little unsure on, so that was good. They also have a writing sample section which is not part of the graded score. It's mildly entertaining to me that I believe I'll get a very good score and then someone will look at my writing sample with my extremely childish printing. I can type relatively fast but I was just never very good at writing. I think I was just so stubborn that I insisted on making the letters the way I thought was best. For example, I write my "O"s by starting at the bottom.

I felt rather old taking the test. There were probably about one hundred and fifty of us spread throughout maybe ten classrooms, but it seemed like everyone was in their early twenties.. It made me realize that if I do go to law school I'd probably be one of the oldest people in my classes. Interesting. I suppose it would be different if I go part-time, which is more likely if I do wind up going. It would be very difficult to go to school full-time and just live on the wife's salary.


During the past three weeks the wife and I have come to a decision regarding our infertility. We currently will not be trying to improve our fertility medically. Our emotional wellness was suffering from constantly being reminded of our infertility and having our hopes continually dashed. The cost of tests, medication, and diet foods was also getting prohibitively high. In the end it doesn't make sense for us to spend so much time, energy, and money trying for something that has a miniscule chance of occurring. Maybe some day in the future we will try again, or start the adoption process. Right now we're going to spend more time and energy working towards future jobs and such.


Also in the past few weeks we had a very nice Thanksgiving with my family, work has gotten crazy, and we've been looking at houses in Pittsburgh. I intend to resume posting regularly. If you have any topics you'd like to hear my opinion on, by all means let me know! Thanks for reading!

Law school?

It's been an interesting few days.

On Friday I took a practice LSAT. I have toyed around with the idea of law school before but never really thought about it seriously. In a meeting a couple of weeks ago with Career Services here on campus I talked with the director about my interest in working in Human Resources. She mentioned that a lot of people who work in the higher jobs in Human Resources have law degrees. We then talked about the possibility of law school and she told me that the library here on campus has a couple of practice LSATs on their website.

Friday rolled around and I was planning on getting some new tires for my car. As the afternoon wore on I realized that I had absolutely no desire to go get new tires, so I decided to take the practice LSAT. I had never studied for the LSAT before, the most I knew about the questions was having looked at two in my friend's study book about four months before.

I rocked the test.

It really wasn't that surprising to me, test taking comes naturally to me. I did very well on the ACT and SAT back in high school. The LSAT has three main topics: reading comprehension, logical reasoning, and logic games. Reading comprehension is very easy to me. I didn't miss a question there and I didn't really find any of them difficult. The logic games section on the LSAT is similar to logic games I used to do for fun when I was growing up in a book my mom had. The logical reasoning sections are a little more difficult for me, but still were mostly fairly easy.

After taking the test I went back home, talked to the wife about it, and did some research online. The practice test didn't give me an exact score that I would've gotten on the LSAT, but it gave me a range of scores typical for someone who did as well as I did. The lowest score in that range is generally enough to get a full ride to many law schools.

I did a little more research about both the LSAT and law school. I looked at a bunch of the ways to do better on the LSAT and people talking about how they improved their score by 12 points by just doing such-and-such and that kind of thing. I came to the conclusion that there is a chance that I can get a perfect 180 on the LSAT.

I went to the library and skimmed some books about the test and about law school. I wound up borrowing "Advanced LSAT Practice" to have some questions to study up on. I then went back home and got back online to research more.

At 8:05 PM or so I looked into registering for the LSAT in December and found that the deadline was that night at 9 PM. Seemed like a sign to me, so I went for it. I will be taking the actual test on December 7th at the University of Pittsburgh. For the next three weeks until then I will be studying the questions. I basically already know most of the methods, I'll probably still research some but I don't really expect to learn anything new method-wise.


After registering I did some more research on law school. It seems that everyone hates law school (or at least everyone who is there or has been there recently). By far the most common advice regarding law school is "DON'T GO TO LAW SCHOOL." The reasoning seems to boil down to three things: the cost, the stress, and job prospects. Regarding the cost, I don't believe I would be interested in going to law school if I had to pay for it. If I get the scores on the LSAT I think I will, I most likely would not have to pay for law school. Regarding the stress, when it comes down to it if I can't handle the stress I would quit. If I am getting a full ride then quitting isn't as big of a deal, so I would still have that out.

Regarding job prospects, that is a very real concern. Law school are churning out graduates at a much higher rate than there are jobs for new lawyers. The difficulty of finding a job after graduation is certainly a very real concern. I do have a couple things in my favor over your average law school graduate. One is that I will have (very shortly) an MBA. The other, which is far more important, is that I have six years of professional job experience. Still, the statistics regarding recent graduates of law school are concerning.

It's been an interesting weekend of planning for the future. Feel free to leave a comment if you have any thoughts, I've already heard from some of my lawyer and law school friends, but thoughts are welcome from all sides.

Living the (Unintentionally) Child-free Life - [a guestpost from Aimee]

There have been a lot of posts going around in the Catholic internetosphere: fecundophobia, child-free living, fertility crises as women age and put careers ahead of family. I'm sure that some people, when they see Kyle and I, assume that because we've been married for more than a year and are still childless, we obviously must be contracepting. While it's true that we live a "child-free life", it's unintentional in the worst way possible.

Kyle's written about infertility from his perspective. And if you know me, you've probably heard me talk about it as well. We've been trying to conceive for almost a year and a half now. We've had the onslaught of tests performed, with the results staring glaringly back at us: in our current medical state, we have <1% chance every year of conceiving. It's still possible, but it would essentially be a miracle if we ever were able to conceive and have biological children of our own.

So right now we're trying to work on our health to see if we can improve our chances at all -- maybe giving it another year of intense medical treatment before we reevaluate our odds and decide whether to continue. Fertility treatments are not cheap. And because we're faithful to the Catholic Church's teachings on fertility and conception, we won't go down the road of IVF -- which would probably (because of our particular medical diagnoses) give us higher chances of conception and pregnancy than natural means. So we're spending money on natural (and Church-approved) methods of treatment with a NaPro doctor, we're in the thousands by now and we have yet to reach the point of diagnostic surgery. 

This is not what we expected when we said "I do." There were no indications prior to our wedding day that either of us had infertility issues. We had hoped and planned to have a large family -- we were honestly hoping for at least 5 children... I was dreaming of 10 little ones, to raise up "as little saints". We expected the hardships of raising children on a meager salary, the hardships of learning how to live with someone, the hardships of learning to be married and be parents at the same time. We didn't expect the cross of infertility.

But here we are, a year and a half in -- no more pregnant than the couch I am sitting on. With odds stacked against us. This was not the life we had planned. A child-free life was not what we wanted.

And I hear the sorts of attempts at consolations and trite phrases thrown about with no regard to the logical psychological reactions. "In God's good time/God has a special child planned for you in His own time" -- I hear that a lot. I think it's meant to comfort  me in that people are saying that someday we will have children, according to His will and stuff. But what if it's not His will that we have children? "If you want God to laugh, tell Him your plans" -- Oh dear, I hear this one so so so often. Not necessarily directed at me, but I still hear it all the time. If God is laughing at the pain and suffering I endure and have endured because we are not able to fulfill what we saw as an integral part of our vocation (and truly, what is a righteous and holy good), then I do not want to be friends with this God. I have desired a family for as long as I can remember -- and this only seems some sort of cruel irony if He is laughing at our situation and our plans. "Just relax, stop worrying so much." If I had a dollar for every time I heard this... Infertility is a real medical problem. I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome among other things. Kyle has his own set of male-factor IF issues as well. To be honest, sex has and does become tedious when you have to time things to perfectly and if you want to try again this month, you have this schedule of days to try on. I have clinical depression - I worry A LOT. But relaxing isn't going to solve my PCOS or Kyle's IF issues. "Just enjoy this time (while you get to sleep in/have lots of sex/don't have to worry about children)." I would gladly, in a heartbeat, trade in my sleeping in, scheduled sex, and lack of worrying about children (but instead worrying if my body is working right) for a passel of children. Infertility is not a mere inconvenience, it is a life-changing, plan-wrecking, soul-crushing cross. I have one final thing that pregnant women say sometimes that just needs to stop: "God has found us fit to bless us with a child"/"Children are an heritage of the Lord, offspring a reward from Him" (Psalm 127). God is not a vending machine whom you put prayers and pious life into and get children (or other blessings) back. God is not one to be bargained with, and this is not about what is "fair." If we wanted to, we could subvert God's Church and use IVF and get our own child. If we had a child, people would probably stop giving us funny stares like we're such an evil couple because we're "obviously contracepting"... but IVF is not the answer. Our piety, in the form of being obedient to the teachings of the Church, is not being rewarded with a child. Because that's not how it works. Children are gifts to be cherished and loved -- but they are not rewards for good behavior. 

Anyway, that's not the reason I started writing this post. I started writing this post because I have, after a long period of mourning, begun to find joy and purpose in this life. That doesn't mean I'm not still mourning, but it means that I have, in a way, turned the page with hope. I had so much hopelessness that our marriage would never be fruitful if we could not have children. So much of the Catholic blogosphere is focused on mommy blogs who devote their lives to their children... some to the point of calling out the childless in our modern culture for their enmity with God. Now, I'm sure they would not give me mean words if they knew our situation, but the general angst and meanness towards childless people is not the best way to evangelize, let me tell you. I do understand that the raising of little saints is the primary focus of your life and it should be -- but often these Catholics will denigrate the nature and purpose of work in the world as if it were to only exist for the sake of the children, the home. Perhaps, ultimately, that is so. But if I can never have children, I must know that our marriage is not pointless and fruitless if Kyle and I were to devote ourselves to working in the world and showing the love of God to others through doing whatever we are called to do. 

I have a lot of angst about this -- I might never get to join you, Catholic mommy-bloggers, in your playdates and your book events. I might never get to participate in your mother's groups and mom's Bible studies. And somehow, I'm sure not intentionally, I was made to feel that by not being a mother, I was losing my worth. That  my worth as wife, as a woman, as a person, was somehow cut drastically by my body's stupid inability to conceive.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful spiritual director who knows many things -- among them, especially, compassion and love for his spiritual wards. We've talked of spiritual motherhood, the value and fruitfulness of a faithful marriage, no matter how many children Kyle and I are able to have. And how the anger at God can be a raging prayer to lift up even in the darkness.

We talked about hope, and resignation all at the same time. We live with the expectation that we will never conceive... We live as though we will never have children. Yet we hope and pray for a miracle -- that someday, we will. Somehow, after so many months of feeling so hopeless and hopeful and despairing and wistful, I have come to a stability that is just a sort of meager peace and acceptance. I was living so long with the expectation that we would get pregnant -- it's why I didn't have a full-time job after we married. So I'm turning the page on that. I'm going to live with the practical expectation that we won't have children. And that starts now.

What does that mean? It means an unintentionally child-free life. Not the life we were hoping for, but the one that nature and God have allowed us. It means that I might start looking for full-time work in the pro-life movement --- or even better, I might try to get Life Matters Journal to the point where I can actually make some money doing what I love, but on a regular full-time schedule. It means that instead of looking for big houses in the country, we might be looking for smaller places in cities (so we can be close to people/interesting events/etc). It means that maybe we'll travel. And yes, it means that maybe at some point in the future (when my mental health is stable), we may start the adoption process if we can afford it. But honestly, I'm not holding out for it. I have a peace right now that I haven't had in more than a year, and I just want to take things a step at a time.

If you're the praying kind, please pray for us. You can pray for a miracle if you like -- but more than that, please pray for strength, endurance, perseverance, and faithfulness. We cannot walk this road alone.

Adventures in Eating

I had Pho today for the first time. I'd always heard of it (it's a Vietnamese soup) but never actually got it. Usually I'm a little skeptical of soup as a main course, but it was very filling and quite delicious.

Since going off to college I've been a fan of trying new food and new cuisines. When I was growing up I was a bit of a picky eater, not bad but not adventurous for the most part. During most of my childhood someone in my family was vegetarian. In my memory (which is probably flawed) it seems as though either my mother, my father, or my sister was vegetarian at any given time, but rarely all of them at the same time. When one member of the family is vegetarian generally the rest of the family eats that way (for simplicity of cooking), so growing up I didn't have much meat.

The meat I did have was almost always poultry. I don't remember having hamburger until I was in high school. In fact, I have a vivid memory of driving home from Youth Group or something at church and being a little hungry. I stopped at McDonald's and wondered what a burger would taste like, so I got one. I don't think I was too impressed at the time, might have had something to do with going to McDonald's. I'm also pretty certain I didn't have steak until college. I think the first time was at Applebees in Steubenville with my household, but I can't be certain. Now I definitely enjoy a good burger or steak.

That's the thing, once I was buying my own food I found that I was curious about lots of different foods. So many people are not interested in trying things they haven't had before. I have one friend who always orders something he's had before at a restaurant. The only time he really has to think about it is the first time he visits a restaurant. I have another friend who doesn't like "asian" food. That's the food that about half of the population of the world eats on a regular basis (maybe more, I'm not looking it up).

I understand, people have different tastes so I shouldn't judge. I myself have 3 things I don't like to eat: cucumbers, mushrooms, and raw tomatoes. But I can't imagine writing off an entire cuisine! There's just so much food out there to explore!

Something that occurs to me is that maybe people are putting too much stock in first impressions. When I was a kid I couldn't stand Chinese food, except Lo Mein. Every time my family got Chinese take-out I would get Lo Mein (or pizza sometimes if my parents were feeling indulgent). I remember going to a Chinese restaurant up in Cleveland and they didn't have Lo Mein, so I was forced to get something else. I ordered Moo Goo Gai Pan and ended up loving it. I think I had even tried Moo Goo Gai Pan before from the take-out place and didn't like it, but sometimes you need to try something again to determine if you really like it. The first time you might not like something just because it's not what you're expecting.

Another story: I always detested guacamole and avocados when I was younger. I just couldn't understand how my mom could eat that stuff (and yes, I tried it). When I was a Senior in college I went on a mission trip to Mexico. All of our meals were homemade by this wonderful Mexican lady who was quite the cook. They had homemade guacamole there and I gave it a try based on people's recommendations. It was amazing. It completely cured me of my dislike for guacamole and avocados. Maybe it was just that I was trying it a second time, maybe it was due to very fresh ingredients, maybe she just had an amazing recipe. I've never had guacamole quite as good as that since, but I do enjoy it now.

An ex-girlfriend introduced me to Ethiopian food in college, and it's now one of my favorite cuisines. A guy I was living with the summer before my senior year invited me to go get Thai food and I now love Thai food (and Thai iced tea, which is basically heaven in a glass). I like Chinese food, Mexican food, Italian food, German food, Irish food, English food, and good ol' American food. I want to try some more Japanese food, but sushi makes me sick (literally). I have had tempura and that was delicious. The wife actually made it. She loves to experiment with cooking different types of food.

Another way I like trying different food is trying different meats. I've had alligator sausage, tried a frog leg once, eaten elk sausage, and had a bison burger. I'm always on the look-out for opportunities to eat animals I haven't. In a way I think that makes me sound a bit like a psychopath. Ah well. Meats I would be interested in trying: hare, squirrel, snake, and horse. There are probably others I would try as well, but that's what comes to mind.

The point, if you choose to take one away from this, is: eat lots of different things. Try new foods! Experiment with new recipes! As they say, variety is the spice of life. Eat something exciting!

Second job?

I had an interview today for a second job. It was really more of a meeting than an interview, it was with H&R Block who I worked for last Spring. They wanted me to come back this next tax season and I wasn't quite sure whether or not I wanted to. After my interview I was positive whether I wanted to come back, and quite excited about the answer!

The answer is no.

I will not be working a second job for H&R Block come January, and I couldn't be happier about it.

There are several reasons why. One of them is that I just want to spend more time with my wife and the other people in my life that mean a lot to me. Working two jobs would mean not a lot of quality time, and I love me some quality time. I'd always heard about those people who are workaholics and never spend time with their families, but my experience last year helped me understand them. The thing is, extra money is nice. Very nice in fact. But is extra money better than spending time with people you love? Heck no.

Another reason is so I can focus more on my job search. I've already posted about it, but I get my MBA in December and I'm going to start looking for a job hardcore come January. They say that looking for a job is a job in and of itself, and had I started a second job I would have a lot less time to spend looking. I'm excited to actually devote some real time to job searching.

I feel like I don't devote enough time to my current job as it is. Being an RD means only a little scheduled work time and a lot of unscheduled work and just spending time with people. Last year when I was working two jobs (and taking grad classes) I think I fell behind and didn't do the best job I could.

Spending time in a branch office today during my interview really reminded me what being in a tax office is like, and what H&R Block is like as a company. Don't get me wrong, there were some very good things about working for them. The people I worked with were great and we had some good times. The problems came more from the corporate side of things and just serving the public in an office like that. I like people, but I don't like having to sell things to people. I had plenty of that in my time in retail, and I ain't going back. I really don't appreciate how H&R Block sells additional products to their customers. A lot of the little commissions you make come from selling unnecessary financial products to people who shouldn't be buying them, and I refuse to do that.

Also on the corporate side of things, I dislike their compensation policies. I like to spend time thinking and talking about incentive management, and H&R Block does not do it well. They have a bonus available based on commissions, but it's a replacement commission type thing. You make an hourly wage but have the ability to "bonus" at the end of the tax season. The thing is, the bonus is just the difference between your hourly wage and the amount you would have made had you been straight commission. Therefore if you don't make enough commissions to exceed your standard wages you don't get any of them, and if you do make enough commissions to exceed your standard wages it doesn't matter how many hours you worked. Personally that makes me less motivated to both earn commissions AND work more hours. Maybe it works the opposite way for some people, but if there's a chance that I won't actually get the commissions I earn, I'm not going to feel super motivated to earn them.


All in all I just feel like a huge load has been lifted. My schedule over the next couple of months has lightened up as I don't have to worry about doing all of the training things that they make you do. Yeah, we'll have less money in the Spring. That's ok, we just might not go anywhere for Spring break and spend more time doing things that don't cost money. After all, the best things in life are free. By that of course I mean love and board games. Though come to think of it board games aren't free. But I have enough, I don't have to buy any more. We can just play them. Anyway... kind of wrote myself into a rut there... so I guess I'm done. Peace!

Our weekend in the Laurel Highlands

As mentioned in the previous post, Wifey and I spent last weekend in the Laurel Highlands. If you haven't read that post, it talks about our experience glamping and can be found here. I wanted to just give a run-down of the things we did when we weren't chilling at the glampsite.

The Laurel Highlands is a region in southwestern Pennsylvania that is just southeast of Pittsburgh. The mountains there (part of the Allegheny Mountains) are the highest in the state. The area is very beautiful and Wifey and I both already had a love of it from previous experiences, which is why we decided to spend a weekend out there.

We left fairly early Friday morning and drove straight to the Laurel Highlands to a Frank Lloyd Wright house named Fallingwater. Fallingwater is the most famous Frank Lloyd Wright house and is probably the instant mental picture you get when you hear "Frank Lloyd Wright", even if you didn't know that's what it was called. We went on a tour of the house, which was very interesting. I'm no architecture buff (Wifey is) but it was just amazing the way that Wright designed the house around the natural environment. Wright liked the style known as "Organic Architecture", where buildings do not subdue the environment around them but rather incorporate it and exist harmoniously with it.

A building should grace its environment rather than disgrace it. -Frank Lloyd Wright

It started raining while we were on our tour of the house, which was actually quite beautiful (and gave me the opportunity to make a few "falling water" jokes of course). One thing about Fallingwater was that it was designed as a weekend home, not a permanent home. It definitely gave the feel of a place where you could just get away from it all.

After leaving Fallingwater we drove to Kentuck Knob, another Frank Lloyd Wright house not too far away. We ate some PB & J in the parking lot and then rode the shuttle up to the house. Kentuck Knob was also quite interesting and very distinct from Fallingwater. Kentuck Knob was built as a permanent residence, and the couple who had it built lived there for 28 years. It is also built into the top of a hillside and not over a waterfall, so it has a very different feel to it. The house really exuded warmth and charm. I told Wifey afterwards that Fallingwater was cool, but I would actually want to live at Kentuck Knob (she of course had already expressed the same opinion to me having been to both houses previously).

After Kentuck Knob we drove to the small town of Confluence and wasted a little time in an antiques store while waiting for our check-in time for glamping. Wifey and I go to a lot of antiques places and flea markets but we very rarely buy anything. Our lack of a house is probably the main reason. After wasting some time we went to the glamping site and spent the rest of the day there.


On Saturday we started by driving to the Laurel Caverns. Let me tell you, if you're ever in the area, skip the Laurel Caverns. Totally lame. They don't have any stalactites or stalagmites! All of the rock formations are pretty much the same... just rocks. Our tour guide didn't help either, he was this old guy who wasn't very excited. He did say "gee" a lot (as in "gee folks, this section of the cavern was discovered in..."). By the time our tour was up we hightailed it out of there. The one cool thing was that they had a section of the cavern where you could close a couple of doors in passages and then they turned the lights out. Total darkness, kind of weird.

Afterwards we drove up to Ligonier where they were having Fort Ligonier Days, an annual festival. There were a LOT of people there, so we didn't enjoy it as much as we were hoping. There were some interesting vendors, so that was fun. We wandered around the festival and saw all the various vendors, then went to a toy store to see what they had. I love looking through toy stores, toys are awesome (games too of course).

After leaving Ligonier we drove home by a different way and stopped at a flea market, where we actually bought a couple of things! Wifey found a stove-top popcorn-maker and a lion costume for Domino (our dog). After the flea market we stopped at The Old General Store, which was decent. We bought some popcorn and some gourmet hot chocolate for the glampsite and headed back there. Upon getting back I built a campfire (or was it a glampfire?) and she prepared dinner of cornbread, sausage, potatoes, and onions with some popcorn afterwards. Delicious, and it's always awesome to cook right over a campfire.


Sunday morning we slept in a bit (not compared to what we usually sleep in to though) and then packed up the glampsite. On the way back we stopped at a local winery for a complimentary tasting and picked up a delicious bottle of cider. We love cider. If you haven't had real cider (it tastes kind of like apple wine), just the kind you can buy in bottles at the grocery, give it a try sometime.

We decided to maybe stop in Pittsburgh for a late lunch so we drove there by a way we don't normally go. After driving a while we decided not to go into the actual city but just to stop at Settler's Ridge, so we wound up going to Red Robin (yum!). It was our only restaurant meal of the trip! Cooking for yourself is a nice way to save some money on a weekend trip. After eating we drove back to Steubenville and went to an evening mass.

It was a fantastic weekend. We saw lots of beautiful scenery and saw some interesting things, but the best part was having a weekend with just the two of us.

Glamping!

This weekend wifey and I went glamping.

You've probably never heard of it (I feel like such a hipster). Glamping is the term used for "glamorous camping", which is apparently an up-and-coming thing. The idea is basically that you sleep in a tent outside but there is a bed in the tent and possibly other amenities that would normally be associated more with cabins than camping.

We went glamping at Campbell Farm in the Laurel Highlands of Pennsylvania. Wifey and I both love the Laurel Highlands and she found the site while looking for places to stay there. This was our tent:

It's a little difficult to see, but there is a main tent with a larger canopy over it. The larger canopy also goes over the porch area which includes a nice table with a couple of chairs. The bed inside is queen-sized and has a heated mattress (very nice!). There are some electric lamps, books, games, and assorted furniture as well.

The shelter-type thingy was a few yards away from the tent and provided the kitchen and bathroom areas. The kitchen had a three-burner propane stove, sink with running hot water, ice box, and mini-fridge. There were plenty of dishes and everything to prepare food. Wifey made some great meals including one made entirely over the campfire (cornbread, potatoes, onions, sausage, popcorn, and gluten-free smores thingies).

The bathroom area was just a sink and a bathtub. The bathtub was definitely Wifey's favorite part. She wound up taking three baths, I took two. I must say that bathing outside was definitely a great experience. There's just something about being naked out in the open, not to mention a hot bath is always amazing. Feel free not to visualize any of that. Also, don't knock it 'til you try it.

The picture to the right is the outhouse, cleverly marked "Conference Room" (okaay then). The outhouse was a good distance from the rest of the site, which was nice. I must say though, I hate outhouses. I'm sure there isn't anyone (at least anyone normal) who just loves outhouses or anything, but I feel like I dislike them more than the general populace. Anyway, I would consider the outhouse to be the one negative thing to the whole experience, but I suppose it's better than just going in the woods.


That brings up the whole question as to why we went glamping in the first place. The bottom line is that Wifey likes to camp and I don't. She has all of these memories and sentimental reasons as to why she likes camping, but I just didn't camp growing up (other than the backyard). Because I don't have those memories, I just don't see the point in making yourself uncomfortable. Supposedly camping is all about experiencing the outdoors, but I will gladly experience the outdoors and then go back to the lodge and enjoy a hot shower and a toilet that flushes.

Anyway, glamping seemed like a great compromise for us. After experiencing it I would definitely go again. Very relaxing and a great way to experience the outdoors without sacrificing (too much) comfort.

(all photos taken from http://www.campbellfarmglamping.com/index.html)

A look in the mirror

I had an interesting experience about a week ago. I recently started going to the gym again. Three times a week I do strength training and twice a week I run on the treadmill. This particular day was a running day and I wound up going a little after 10 pm.

Usually I prefer to run on an indoor track, but we don't really have that here. I used to run around the fieldhouse, which was decent, but the temporary gym is located very close to my apartment so it's really convenient to just run there (they're renovating the actual gym).

The way the temporary gym is set up is that the treadmills look out the window, which is a big improvement on the storage closet they used to be in before they started renovating the fieldhouse (not an exaggeration by the way, they treadmills were actually in a room designed to be a storage closet). This particular day it was dark out by the time I started running, so instead of looking out the window I spent the whole run looking directly at my reflection in the window.

It was a very interesting experience. I've never seen myself run before, and for that matter I don't really ever see myself when I'm going about my day. Really the only time I ever look in a mirror is when I'm combing my hair or shaving, so only for about two minutes a day (electric shaver for the win). I don't even really particularly have a "mental picture" of myself, I mean I know what I look like but I don't spend time thinking about it.

One thing that was interesting was seeing myself with a beard. I've had a beard for a little over two months now, and I'd never had facial hair before in my life. No mustache (yet), just a beard. I think it works decently well for me, definitely worth trying out. I will be doing No-Shave November for the first time in my life next month, so we'll see how the mustache comes in. I may wind up deciding to shave everything off come December.

Another interesting thing was how intense I am when I run. Wifey doesn't understand how I only listen to "angry music" when I run (there are some more positive songs on my playlist, but not many). Angry music just motivates me better! This may possibly mean I'm psychotic, but at least I know myself. Anyway, my face while running ranged from 'serious' to 'totally hardcore' to the occasional 'raging'. I wonder if I scare other people in the gym.

The thing that was most interesting about the experience was realizing that I am noticeably overweight. It's not really something that I think about a lot, but my face clearly shows the extra chubbiness that I'm carrying around. My weight is currently about 205, which has pretty much been the norm for most of my adult life. The only time I really got in decent shape was right before I started dating wifey when I was thinking about joining the air force. I got down to about 178 or so at the time, but after I passed my physical my motivation started to slide. The motivation really took a nosedive when I decided not to join the military.

I have a much better reason now to get in shape. Exercising and losing weight could help us with our infertility. It's certainly not guaranteed to help us, but it's enough of a reason that I should be able to maintain my motivation a little better. Leading a more physically disciplined life will also hopefully help me become more spiritually disciplined, something I definitely need to work more on. It comes down to a matter of willpower until it becomes routine. I'm hoping to stay on track for a good long while this time, or maybe even staying physically fit for good.

Starting the job search again

Well, I've been a Residence Director for about three and a half years now. It's certainly been the best job I've ever had, but I'm getting to the point where it's time to move on. I'll be graduating with my MBA in December, so I won't be taking classes anymore. Wifey and I are also a little tired of living on campus.

As well, my earnings potential is much higher than what my current position offers. Come June (when my current school year will be done) I will have six years of management experience and a master's degree in a relevant field. I know that having the ability to make more money is not a good enough reason in and of itself to leave a job, but it certainly is a consideration. I have a bunch of student loan debt, wifey and I both have medical issues, and the possibility exists of starting an expensive adoption process. Money may not be the most important thing in the world, but it sure comes in handy!

I've started some preliminary work for my job search already: touching up the ol' resumé, expanding my LinkedIn profile (still needs work), setting an appointment with Career Services here on campus, and making a few decisions as to where to look. I will begin searching in earnest in January since I'm in this job until June.

The last time I was doing a major job search was when I graduated with my undergrad. At that time I was looking to move to Pittsburgh but didn't really know what field to look in. Completely different now, we're not looking for any particular area but I have a couple of fields I'd like to be in.

When it comes to where we'd like to be, we're fairly open-ended right now. There are certain considerations like proximity to our families, proximity to our friends, areas of the country we like better than others, etc. There is also an idea of ours that it would be nice to live in Europe for a few years since we both love it so much, so at least we have it narrowed down to two continents!

As far as a field to work in, there are two main areas that I will be looking at. I am definitely interested in higher education administration, as in working for a university. The thing with that though is that I would only want to work for a Catholic university, there are too many things I don't agree with when it comes to other schools. The other issue there is that there are a lot of Catholic universities whose Catholicism can be called into question, so it's also tempting just to keep the search to those universities on the Cardinal Newman Society's Guide to Catholic Colleges.

The other field that I'm interested in is Human Resources. I am very interested in employee relations, hiring, firing, incentive management, and labor disputes. Personally I only have experience in employee relations, hiring, and firing; but the other two are very intriguing to me from studying them in classes.


They say that most jobs you get through networking. Back when I was a recent college grad that always frustrated me because I just didn't know many people in the work force. Now almost everyone that I was in undergrad with has a job somewhere, so hopefully that will make things easier. There are also quite a few people that I know from my time working as an RD who have already graduated and gotten themselves jobs, so that might work out too. In the end, I both know more people AND the people I know are older.

Things are very different than the last time I was doing this whole job search thing. More experience, more education (with better grades), better networking opportunities, and (of course) wifey. I'm excited, it will be a lot of work but I think in the end things will work out well!

New diet and my thoughts on cooking

So wifey and I have been making some changes lately in an attempt to boost our chances of conception. One of the changes is our diets, which we started today. Mine is basically the diet outlined here (thanks to my brother for the idea). The basic idea is to boost my testosterone, and how that plays out in my diet is the following:

Breakfast every day will be three strips of bacon and three eggs. Lunch will be a large salad with meat (some form of steak), veggies, and nuts. Dinner will vary day to day.

Sounds pretty tasty to me! Time will tell if I get sick of it. There was a time a few years ago when I was considering joining the air force that I had to lose some weight so I changed my diet. At the time I pretty much ate the same thing 6 days of the week. I ate oatmeal for breakfast, chicken with rice and veggies for lunch, and steak with rice and veggies for dinner. Fruit was also interspersed. It worked pretty well at the time, with regular exercise I lost around 25 pounds.

The current diet will give me much more flexibility, with different snacks I can have and no set dinner. I think I'll get used to it very quickly, shouldn't be a problem. Exercise is the harder thing to get into, that starts next Monday. Urgh.


I don't really cook much anymore now that I have wifey around. She is certainly a much better cook with me. Don't get me wrong, I'm a decent cook, but she is excellent. She also really enjoys making new dishes or just experimenting and seeing what happens (almost always a success).

The creative process of cooking really appeals to me. I don't consider myself to be a very creative person, I'm more of an optimizer than a creator. Still, taking raw materials and transforming them into something that they're not is very fulfilling, especially when it's something you can enjoy afterwards. And let me tell you, I'm a man who enjoys his food.

When I was growing up I did a lot of baking, but I kind of stopped doing that when I got to college. I've found that baking is not as exciting because it's so precise. Baking is a science in which precise measurements are needed in order to get chemical reactions to happen properly. Cooking  is much more of an art form where experimentation and exploration can lead to delicious discoveries. In baking you always need a recipe (unless you're an amazing baker of course), in cooking you can take a dish or a concept and just start heading in that direction until you get somewhere you like. The last time I made a nice dinner for wifey I decided to make stir-fry even though I never had before. No recipe needed, just made some choices based on previous cooking knowledge and wound up with a decently good stir-fry. That's a lot more fulfilling then following a recipe and getting the result the recipe promises.

Clearly some kitchen experience is a good idea before trying to make dishes without a recipe, but I definitely recommend some experimentation in your cooking. If nothing else, at least buy a bunch of spices and find out how you like to use them. Cooking is a life skill that will serve you well throughout your life.

Infertility

Wifey and I got married in June of last year, so it's been one year and roughly three months since the big day. We kind of expected the "normal" thing that seems to happen to all of our Catholic friends: get married and then get pregnant within three months.

It didn't happen.

After about three months we started trying a little more scientifically (using NFP).

No pregnancy.

Problems started evidencing themselves with Wifey's hormones, so we started seeing a doctor, and had some blood work done. Things weren't looking quite normal, but they didn't look too bad. So we kept at it, getting more and more discouraged as the months went by. We knew the next step was to get me tested and to have more blood work done on her, but I definitely procrastinated. It's hard to admit that things might not be what they're supposed to be with your body.

The Friday before last we had me tested and she got some more blood work done. Last Monday we got the results back.

Things do not look good.

Wifey's hormones are doing very strange things. I have some problems with my sperm. We don't know exactly what is wrong yet with either of us. I have an appointment with a urologist tomorrow, and Wifey has started taking a couple of medications to hopefully regulate things better.

The thing is, it would be one thing if just one of us had fertility issues. With both of us, it seems (at least at the moment) like our chances of conceiving are very slim.


It's been a rough week to say the least. Poor Wifey has been getting sick from the medication, and both of us have been very emotionally exhausted.

It's hard to come to grips with the fact that our life might just not go the way we hoped and planned it would. For both of us, the idea of marriage carries with it the idea of raising a family together. I was all ready to have kids, get a good job, buy a house, and raise our children. Now it looks like that might not be what happens.

I know the good Catholic thing to do is to "be open to the plan God has for your life", but I always though that raising a family was the plan He had. He equipped me to be a good father. He gave me the desire for fatherhood. He brought me and the love of my life together. Why this? What did we do wrong?

I know it isn't something we did wrong. I know it with my head, but it doesn't feel that way with my heart.

I am trying to come to a better understanding of suffering, and to unite my suffering to the suffering of Christ on the cross. I haven't really suffered a lot in my life, so this is a bit of a new experience for me. I'm usually the one helping out others who are suffering.


I posted a facebook message on Monday asking for prayers. Several people have approached me since then (of course) asking me how I'm doing and if I need any help from them. I certainly appreciate people asking what they can do, but please just pray. You can ask me how I'm doing, but if I say "fine" then please just let it be. There are only a few people I would really want to talk with about this, and if you're one of them then I will talk to you about it. If I do need to just release something cathartically I may blog about it. Please don't do the "but how are you doing - really?" thing. I appreciate that you care about me, but this is not something I want to be reminded of all the time.

One last thing, I know just about everyone will immediately think of adoption as an option. It may very well be an option, but there is also a chance that it won't be (for various reasons I don't want to get into here). We are certainly open to adoption if that winds up working and being our best option, but that is definitely not certain.

Thanks for reading, and please pray for us.

My last first day of school!

Yesterday was (hopefully) my last first day of school!

I'm taking two classes this semester and I will graduate with my MBA in December. I've been slow-playing my MBA so it will have taken me three and a half years by the time I'm done. I am so ready to be done with classes. I was ready to be done with classes when I finished my undergrad, but I knew I would eventually get my MBA. Now that I'm almost done with it I'm very much looking forward to having no more classes.

I always told people that your undergraduate major isn't that important because an undergraduate degree really just means that you know how to think (with some more technical exceptions like nursing). A graduate degree really teaches you more in depth about your subject matter.

With my MBA I feel that that is only partially true. I certainly do know more about business and various aspects therein (accounting, finance, management, economics, etc.), but the end result of my MBA doesn't seem to be a lot of technical knowledge.

I feel that my undergrad taught me how to think, but my MBA has taught me how to analyze.

What I mean by that is that in my Bachelor of Science in Business Administration degree I learned the various aspects of a business that must be considered and how to go about making decisions based on those areas. In my MBA I have learned what parameters to use when analyzing aspects of a business and how to integrate those parameters into decision making.

The class I just had last night is Business Policy, which is a capstone class in the program. The subject matter is how analysis leads into decision making which is implemented through policies. In a word, strategy. I am generally interested in strategy (as evidenced by my fascination with board games), and I definitely do find this class interesting. I view this class as taking the various parts of running a business that I have learned in other classes and putting it into a comprehensive whole.

One of the things I'm very thankful for in the class is that I will not be writing a paper. I will be doing a presentation to the class, so that will be a decent amount of work, but I really dislike writing papers. The presentation will be better because the topic will be assigned and most of the information will be given to me, I just have to analyze it and present it in an organized way. This is so much better for me because I am not an ideas person. I am the kind of person who will take someone else's idea and implement it.

We'll see in my other class (which starts on Monday) whether I'll have a paper to write at all. I may very well be done with papers for life! Unless of course I start another masters, which I'm certainly not ruling out. At the moment though I am very much looking forward to being done with my MBA. I feel like I really will have accomplished something.

On new beginnings

Tomorrow is the first day of class for the University I work at. I've come to appreciate working at a place where there is naturally a new start, a time which signals a new beginning. Every year I'm fairly busy from August until May, then I have some time to reflect upon the previous school year in June and July. This past June and July I came to the conclusion that I was not happy with my performance the previous year.

Last year I was moved to a new residential area on campus. I had the same position (Residence Director) as the previous two years but I was put in charge of a neighborhood of apartments instead of a residence hall. The neighborhood posed different challenges than the hall. In a lot of ways it was easier, but in a lot of ways it was more difficult. As well, I was in my first year of marriage (w00t) and I overloaded myself in the second semester with a second job and two classes. The long and the short of it is, I did not do my job well enough to be satisfied.

That being said, I think I did a decent job. I was able to help several people in ways that clearly assisted them in getting to a better place in their life. I did very well in a couple of my performance management goals for the year. My boss was reasonably happy with my work.

All well and good, but I'm not shooting for a "decent" job. I don't want my boss to be "reasonably happy" with my work. I want to strive for excellence. I want to be the best RD I can be. This job is not just a job for me. I have seen my words and actions impact people's lives, both for the better and for the worse. I have had opportunity to learn to love those who would rather (metaphorically) spit in my face. I am called each day to focus on the good of people who are not me. I have been blessed with the grace to handle emergency situations such that no one died when it was a very real possibility.

That's why I'm glad this is a new school year. I have had jobs that basically just continue on and on without a real point of new beginning, a chance to restart. In this position I am blessed to be able to say that this school year WILL be better than the last.


I asked my RA staff to share with each other some goals they had for this semester. I asked for a goal in each of five different categories: academic, spiritual, professional, personal growth, and grab bag. Here are mine:

Academic - get two As, one in each of my last two classes for my MBA.
Spiritual - come to a better understanding of suffering in my life and in my marriage.
Professional - I have six or seven performance management goals that I shared, not that exciting really.
Personal growth - blog on a regular basis.
Grab bag - read three books I have never read before.

One way to have a conscious new beginning is to set some goals for yourself. This is one way I plan on ensuring I keep myself and my RAs focused on growing, not just spinning our wheels.

What are you doing in your life? Are you growing? Or just maintaining?